Metallica, Day 28: The Home Stretch

Check out my boys from Metallica. Look how cool they are. How fearlessly they command the snakes. Notice the hair, the shades, the attitude. Perfect role models, real men.

Actually I feel like I've had a boa constrictor around my head for the past twenty-something days.

I'm a pretty laid back dude. I usually keep everything optimistic. There's not a whole lot that bothers me. But if I have to hear one more double-bass kick drum solo or another one of The Field's guttural howls, I'm going to to jump through a window and strangle the next woman or child that I see. I feel the frustrations of a thousand Gary Colemans.

Don't get me wrong: there's been plenty of times when tunes like "Carpe Diem Baby" got my motor runnin on the way to work, or times when I'd catch myself humming the chorus to "Low Man's Lyric." I'm not saying that it's altogether bad, but I'm at my wit's end. Here are a few morsels to attempt to give you, the reader, an insight to my April 2008:

1. I haven't had road rage since July 2000. Late last week a gentleman in a Buick Le Sabre cut me off and almost creamed into a young woman in her Mercury Milan. Without thinking, I sped up and got alongside the offender's vehicle and sounded the horn for a full 11 seconds. In hindsight, I would say that my actions were 92% influenced by the fact that "Don't Tread on Me" was playing.


2. My use of racial slurs is up by 4% this month. This follows a nineteen month streak of a consistent decline. I have no explanation for this phenomenon other than my increase in Metallica intake.


3. Due to the clause in our agreement in which we can listen to music that is out of our control, I have found myself out in public more often than I should be -- Just to enjoy music. If anyone needs a list of the restaurants/bars/establishments/ice cream parlors/car washes that have the best music in town, let me know. I can produce a list in a matter of seconds.


4. In addition to #3, I consistently over-react to non-Metallica tunes. For instance, Thursday Kyle and I were in a department store and Seal's "Kissed by a Rose" came on the house music and we were elated; high fives were exchanged. A week or two back I was dancing fervently (in public, by myself) to "I Saw the Sign," as performed by Ace of Base. I can also clearly remember weeping softly to Elton John's "Don't let the Sun Go Down on Me" while enjoying a quesadilla at the neighborhood Applebee's.


5. I am angrier. But it's different than I would have thought. I assume that many people would expect the same kind of anger that I did: the outward, caustic anger that is embodied on Metallica records that is a not-too-subtle backlash against society, upbringing, the common man, and kittens. (Metallica's eighth -- and probably worst -- studio album St. Anger comes to mind. See related video below. barf). Rather, it is bottled anger that weighs on my soul and is like a bowling ball chained to the ankle of my psyche. I'm sure that with enough time on a Metallica-only musical diet, someday I will be in my daily routine, making a phat beat or calling a customer service department to thank them for doing a wonderful job, and suddenly my mind will cleave and a disgusting, alternative personality will emerge, screaming about how I hate tacos and stuffed animals, making crude gestures while dressed like a nun, and with breath reeking of soft pretzels and frozen burritos. This Edward Hyde-esque character will also certainly be Polish.

Almost to the end....

I just learned about Harptallica and lost control of my bodily functions

HARPTALLICA: A legitimate project where two Harp players play arrangements of Metallica songs




This rules. My head just exploded. Metallica with Harps!! This is unprecidented and uncanny. This turns the whole experiment on its head. Let me explain:

If you're just joining the blog, you may not have read back on previous posts to know about our experiment, in which -- during the month of April 2008 -- Kyle and I listen to exclusively J.S. Bach and Metallica, respectively. Part of the reason that we picked these composers was that we believed that Bach and Metallica represented opposite ends of the musical (and therefore cultural) spectrum.

Johann Sebastian Bach is a composer who composed during the Baroque Period. The Harp, although it was around in some form for centuries before, played a key role in the Baroque period. So much so that one of the most famous types of Harps is known as the Baroque Harp!!

Therefore, Harptallica successfully bridges the gap between J.S. Bach and Metallica in one step! Incredible. It's almost like Metallica covering a bach song (almost). Apparently Kyle and I are way smarter than even we think.

If that wasn't enough, Harptallica is coming to town! To Vintage Vinyl here in St. Louis! Something is at work here. Something supernatural; divine. The icing on the cake is the date that Harptallica will be here:

April 30th, the last day of our experiment.

I leave you with the press release from Vintage Vinyl webpage:

Harptallica
April 30 5:00 PM

"Harp 'Em All" when
Harptallica plays at Vintage Vinyl on April 30th

What innocently started as a graduate school project has now formed into a real deal band as Harptallica has moved the show from halls of academia to the dives of the rock club circuit. With their MM degrees in hand from the Eastman School of Music,
the mighty harp duo of Ashley Toman and Patricia Kline are Harptallica and are on the road promoting their latest CD "Harptallica - A Tribute". The group doesn't just play the cuts from the Metallica songbook, they attack them. Catch a free taste of Harptallica when they perform at Vintage Vinyl on April 30th at 5:00PM, get a full set that night when they rock it across the street at the Red Sea's The Underground.

National Record Store Day

This Saturday is National Record Store Day. According to the web site, "On this day, all of these stores will simultaneously link and act as one with the purpose of celebrating the culture and unique place that they occupy both in their local communities and nationally."

Vintage Vinyl is having a party and so is Euclid Records. (by the way, Vintage Vinyl is offering a tax holiday for the whole day. Interested parties should head down there and pick up Periodic Fable by The Hibernauts, without having to pay Uncle Sam! ...andfreebeertoo... Splendid!!)*

Anywho, I am delighted to mention that on the national level, the band that is kicking off the National Record store day is METALLICA.

The following is an excerpt from the press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST COMMUNIQUE: METALLICA CONFIRM IN-STORE SIGNING AT RASPUTIN MUSIC IN CELEBRATION OF RECORD STORE DAY March, 14, 2008:

Austin, TX: While here at this SxSW 2008, organizers of RECORD STORE DAY in conjunction with Warner Bros. Records are pleased to announce that Metallica will officially launch Record Store Day on Saturday, April 19th, with an in-store signing and fan meet and greet at Rasputin Music’s Mountain View store near San Francisco, California (www.rasputinmusic.com). The event, the band’s first in-store appearance in nearly a decade, will also celebrate the 180 gram vinyl re-release of the band’s classic albums "Kill ‘Em All" and "Ride The Lightning" on April 15th.

Johann Sebastian Bach could not be reached for comment. A member of the associated press mentioned that J.S. Bach hasn't done anything for the community in years, and was very confident that his album sales have been lower than Metallica's.

Um... not sure what the score is, but I think I'm winning.



*Sorry about the shameless self-plug. I feel like such a whore.

Metallica: Day 5

So last night a girl asked Sauerwein a hypothetical question:

"If you were going on a road trip and could only listen to 5 CD's, what would they be?"

The crowd went nuts. Sauerwein was elated. Girl was confused. We couldn't have planned that better. Kyle's excitement took over him and he loudly proclaimed that "JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH F**KING RULES!"

Right now I'm listening to "The Memory Remains" as performed live at Cuyahoga Falls, OH on July 8, 1998. Hetfield just said something so ridiculous I can't bear repeating it. My major beef this past week was that Jimmy H's vocal inflections have been so awful that it renders some songs unlistenable. **Good God, it's the end of the song now and he's yelling "come-on!!" to the crowd to keep singing the lyrics. It's like desperate anger. Song's over and now it's "Bleeding Me." so intense.** The vocals make you want to think who actually talks like that??!? It's actually worse live, so I fear that "The Field" actually does talk like that, which makes listeners suspect that he's either mentally handicapped or recently suffered a massive stroke.

After a few days of this experiment, we have decided to slightly amend the rules. First off, we have decided that going to music shows is acceptable because 1) they may not return during a non-metallica/bach month, 2) we don't want artists to suffer from this contest because of the lack of our presence, and 3) it's like being in any other establishment and the music is out of our control (we probably would have explained it any way we could've. we're still going to go to shows).

Second, we have eliminated the rule that all music must be acquired before April 1. In spite of the fact that a very thoughtful and impressive individual brought me more Metallica on the 11th hour of March 31st to round out my collection, all of the guys that I've talked to say that my collection is still missing some very critical pieces to the Metallica puzzle. Kyle put it best:

"Anything that makes you listen to more Metallica is good for this experiment."

**Holy crap. The Field just said something to the audience then barked. Not sure if that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, or if it's awesome and hard core. I'm confused and conflicted now, but I wonder what I'll think of that in three weeks. Can't wait.**

I mentioned eighty-something words ago about talking to guys about Metallica. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to let everyone in on information only someone in my position would know: 96.1% of all of the males who share my demographic are once-hardcore or currently-closet Metallica enjoyers. There is something inherently masculine about Metallica's thrash rock, and I could feel it deep in my loins almost immediately after "Battery" started playing. I couldn't imagine girls being really into Metallica. Not that I would judge them, But girls don't seems to have all of the pent-up aggression that testosterone provides. ****"Yessir, King Nothing!!" Wow. That really happened.****

That being said, I would like to update everyone on my current state of affairs. I feel great. I rock in the morning and again when I come home. So far no person or object has been smashed, but I have boxing gloves in my garage -- and I am an animal. The only negative side effects I have experienced are being a little bit more short-tempered with my dad, and breathing a little heavier through the mouth, causing most glass around me to fog up.

On the other hand, I have to shave more often and my bodily organs associated with reproduction and secondary sex characteristics have increased in size and heft. My scores in Big Buck Hunter have seen dramatic improvement. And somehow, without training, I know how to clean an automatic weapon and replace a rear axle in a half-ton truck.

The 11th Hour

today is March 31st. It's the last day of the month, which means that at my work everyone is half-panicked and trying to make quota. Traditionally it's the busiest day of the month which pretty much means that nobody takes a lunch break and everyone knows exactly what they'd like to do to get the check they'd like to have.

In spite of this, I have been listening to the Raveonettes and Silver Jews all morning. It is the last day before I will be unable to choose the music I listen to unless it is in my very small infantile collection of Metallica music. I feel like it is my last meal.

It is so comforting to hear the guttural voice of John Fogerty, and the phat beats of Britney's "Gimme More." I am going to miss the sweet harmony of Simon and Garfunkel so much for the next 30 days. This morning I heard Smokey Robinson when I woke up. It was pure bliss.

Last night I played the jukebox and spent at least $10 on artists such as The Secret Machines, The Four Tops, Muse, The Monkees, et al. My spirits were lifted and I became a better person for a fleeting moment. That'll be gone tomorrow morning. If I'm lucky, I'll be in a bar someday and my favorite song in the world, Bernadette, will be playing. If anyone needs to borrow a dollar to play that song, let me know.

Special thanks to Jason Boehme, who came into work today with two Metallica CD's for me. They were packaged beautifully, I wish I had a scanner to show you the cases they were in. Master of Puppets has a CD cover that is Jason's son in a very intimidating Karate mu-mu. Reload features his two children building a snowman. Appropriately, the discs also include the disclaimer: "Metal that will kick your ass!!" Thanks, JB.

So if I appear disheartened, blame my lack of Fiona Apple. If I seem depressed, it's because Elton John was usually there to comfort me. I'll have no George Jones to remind me that everyone hits rock bottom now and then, and no George Michael to inform me that it's okay to let loose and have fun! Imagine life without Kenny Loggins' "The Danger Zone." Soon that will be my lonely reality.

Officially, these are the records I will be listening to (all artists are Metallica):

1. Master of Puppets
2. Reload
3. Self-Titled (The Black Album)
4. Garage, Inc (only disc 1)
5. Metallica Live July 13, 2003 in Orlando, FL
6. Metallica Live Feb 3, 1989 in Austin, TX
7. Metallica Live July 8, 1998 in Cuyahoga, OH
8. Metallica Live May 24, 1986 in Cape Girardeau, MO

Miraculously, Metallica made several live recordings available for free download via their website. It's my wish that readers of this blog also download these tunes for a point of reference for future blog posts.

So goodbye, B52's. So long, Spin Doctors. Ludacris, we had such a great run. I've always loved you, Julian Casablancas (you too, dave grohl. I hope you don't hate me now). Don't worry, Queens of the Stone Age, I promise to listen to "I Wanna Make it Wit Chu" 10 more times today. But I need some space during April.

Kyle;

You have been seriously misled, child. I pity you.

I do want to clear the air, first. This is not a competition. However, it is absurd to suggest that Bach implies manliness more than the collection of men who represent Metallica. I intend to prove that definitively here, using some of the research I have been collecting in preparation for our experiment.

First, let's start where we can both agree. The generally-agreed upon model of the culmination of Manly is Clint Eastwood's character "The Man with No Name."

I believe you can find in which composer the most similarities lie:

It is clearly the gentleman with the banjo.

(can J.S. Bach play banjo? no?? Harpsichord, you say? Do you think that's what Wild Bill wants to hear while he's playing poker, or what Doc Holiday listens to while enjoying bourbon? no sir.)

I agree with you, that the ability to reproduce is indeed a quality possessed by top specimens of men. But do not confuse ability with action. James Hetfield is an "UltraMan" and as such prefers to sow his seed in a "non-traditional" fashion: effectively coating the back, bosom, abdomen, face and hair region, but never the birth canal. An UltraMan rarely makes a deposit of something so powerful into the custody of a woman!

Being an UltraMan has some disadvantages, as the men in Metallica are almost too fertile for their own good! They constantly run the risk of impregnating anyone around them.

(This has actually happened twice. The most recent time was when Lars Ulrich was checking his Yahoo! 360 profile and a woman in Australia was checking hers at the same time and became spontaneously pregnant with twins! Several hours later the twins (Duke and Vlad) chewed their way out of their prison and killed each other in a 4 day battle for dominance. The other time was in 1987 where a busboy in McKinney, Texas had to be administered emergency contraceptive after cleaning off a table where James Hetfield had just eaten a raw 68 oz. Porterhouse.)

Bach, on the other hand, not only foolishly claimed all of the children (likely all drama students), but he told his women that he loved them! Oddly enough, all of his children, save 1.5, were of very dark complexion. Let's take a look at some of Bach's ladies:

Ulga Boravinski: Ulga met Johann at the annual Sauerkraut Festival. She thought his rendition of Chopsticks was "majestic." She thoroughly impressed Johann when she won the Hammer Toss and gave him the first place prize: a live goat at the peak of sexuality and tastiness. The first night they met they played the olde tyme version of "Heart and Soul" into the early morning hours.

Gretta Heinsburg: A young temptress who seduced Bach during one of his visits to Berlin. He was powerless to stop her advances, for in addition to her stunning beauty, for years she studied the sexual arts in China. An UltraMan would have resisted and stayed loyal to his bearded wife, however, Johann succumbed to the powers of women and quickly (birthed 5 months after meeting her) had a child with her with ambiguous ethnicity and genitalia.

It's not your fault, Kyle. You're just naive. It's cute, actually. I wish I could still be as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as you.

Moving on. let me fill you in on some Metallica trivia:

• A similar experiment to the one you describe was performed with Metallica songs. Laboratory rats were exposed to "Seek and Destroy" for 24 hours (Released on Kill'em All on July 25th, 1983. It is not a coincidence that this is also known as Black July, when thousands of Sri Lankans were killed in a massacre after the initial spin of Metallica's new cuts). These rats quickly grew mullets and had unconsentual sexual intercourse with WNBA players.
  


• Chuck Norris applied to be the bass player in Metallica but was turned away due to lack of manliness. Lars called him a "pansy." aw dang!



• Metallica has inspired or invented 409 different things, including the barbed wire tattoo, chest hair, the handlebar mustache, beef jerky and scowling.



• J.S. Bach has never won a Grammy. the Grammy score is 1-nil in favor of Metallica.


• Pyrotechnics. Where's Bach at? 'Cause Metallica is bringin' it.
  

Johann Sebastian Bach is a wonderful composer, but he's a dandy. Metallica is a superior representation of Man.

oh, and one more thing...

RE: An Auditory Experiment

I need to put my two cents in.



[blogger's note: there are several posts which will be coming soon, and I'm sure that our eager readers have been waiting for; including an update on the wrestling event, running in the St. Paddy's Day race, and other casual observations. HOWEVER, with this experiment being on a deadline, it's priority has been increased and has even resulted in me preparing for it during work hours.]

Concerning the April 2008 experiment that Kyle and I are conducting on ourselves, where he and I listen to nothing but Johann Sebastian Bach and Metallica, respectively, I would like to let everyone know where I stand before this all gets going. As I keep a journal of next month here on this blog, this might be my only related post where I am still in my right mind.

First, let me say that I am not a Metallica fan. I do not own any of their music, nor do I know much about their catalogue of music, other than I thought "Enter Sandman" was pretty badass when I was in junior high.

Kyle has listened to Bach on purpose in the past 6 months. Advantage Kyle. Bach represents the pinnacle of culture, while Metallica [might] represent the ugly underbelly.

However, a co-worker let me in on a secret: Metallica has a record where they play with an orchestra (culture?) and a record of cover tunes. Advantage Brett.

Let me say, though, that I believe in this experiment. I am whole-heartedly on board to be listening to Metallica for an entire month, soaking in the thrash-rock melodies and the raspy, angry vocals. I will know every lyric to every song, and make sure to take a dose of Metallica several times daily. I also would like to become an expert on the band, and you'll be sure to find me on the Metallica wikipedia page on the morn of April 1st.

However, there are some pressing issues that are concerning me:

1. Metallica is probably the most un-downloadable band in the history of the world, due to their cat fight with Napster. I must acquire all of my music before 4/1/08, and that means I'll probably have to spend a bunch of cash on Metallica. This is exactly what they wanted when they went after Napster. To capitalize on scientific experiments such as this one.
   

2. Sauerwein, I propose a new rule: to those not familiar with our experiment, we are not allowed to explain why we have chosen that music to listen to. Example:
   
   

   Mad fly honey: "Are you listening to Bach/Metallica? Why?"
   Suggested Response: "Because Bach/Metallica RULES!!"

3. Imagine this: A young vixen meets me somewhere in town. As she gets in my vehicle and turns on the music, she hears "Four Horsemen" playing on the stereo (which was obviously playing when I had pulled up alone). As a matter of fact, the only music found in my vehicle are recordings by Metallica. Back at my place, we sip on Boone's Farm and hear "One" to set the mood. When the timing is right, I put on "Nothing Else Matters" and things start heating up. At the most passionate moment all I can hear is James Hetfield singing "Don't Tread on Me."
   Is this acceptable??

4. How far will this go? Can we end the experiment halfway through (similar to the Stanford Prison Experiment) in the case that I start wearing Metallica Merchandise? Buying Metallica gear? Tattoos? Bedsheets (see #3)? Who will be the judge?

5. I want to wake up every morning with my clock radio screaming at me "GIVE ME FUEL, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME THAT WHICH I DESIRE!" I also expect to see the biggest gains in my workouts during April 2008.

Reader, be wary! Although he didn't lie, Kyle misled you somewhat on what happens to a person who listens to nothing but Metallica. All of the symptoms he described in his hypothesis are indeed hazards associated with an endeavor like this one, but they are unlikely (except the loss of intelligence, that's pretty much real). The bulk of these symptoms, if they occur, do so as a side effect of one of the greatest miracles of Metallica:

I will become much more manly.

Look up "testosterone-fueled thrash metal" in the dictionary. If Metallica's insignia isn't the definition, then throw away your dictionary and buy a real one. Would you fight a Metallica fan? um...no way. Even if you could get him off of his Harley, the denim and beard is a powerful defense. not to mention that when Joe Metallica says he's going to "crack skulls," he's serious because he did it in the mosh pit at the Summer Sanitarium Tour in 1999.

It's making me want to arm-wrestle or hang sheet rock just thinking about it.

How many Bach fans have ever been in a mosh pit? Not to mention that there has never been a single case of a woman being so moved by J.S. Bach's tunes to show her mammary glands to onlookers. Sorry, Kyle, Bach has never stirred loins like good 'ole fashioned heavy metal guitar wankery; and Metallica is the king of it.

This is the alpha male dominance that allows only a Metallica Fan to be a heavy drug user while scalping hippies for the same reason.

Between the dates of April 1, 2008 and March 1, 2008, if anyone asks me what kind of music I listen to, or who my favorite band is, my reply will be simple:

"I'm a Metallica Man, through and through."

Watch out, Sauerwein! Even though your sweet little Bach has the ability to give you nice skin and significantly increase the size of your member (amazing!), I will become more masculine with every listen to "Master of Puppets." My primal urges will be invigorated, and accordingly my knowledge of battle tactics will improve with every spin of "Kill 'em All."

Will I be reduced to a brain-dead, Confederate Flag-waving idiot at the end of this? Maybe. But I'll be able to kill an deer from a moving ATV, build a motorcycle from scrap metal, and field dress roadkill.

This is a spiritual awakening, and Metallica is my Messiah.