I just learned about Harptallica and lost control of my bodily functions

HARPTALLICA: A legitimate project where two Harp players play arrangements of Metallica songs




This rules. My head just exploded. Metallica with Harps!! This is unprecidented and uncanny. This turns the whole experiment on its head. Let me explain:

If you're just joining the blog, you may not have read back on previous posts to know about our experiment, in which -- during the month of April 2008 -- Kyle and I listen to exclusively J.S. Bach and Metallica, respectively. Part of the reason that we picked these composers was that we believed that Bach and Metallica represented opposite ends of the musical (and therefore cultural) spectrum.

Johann Sebastian Bach is a composer who composed during the Baroque Period. The Harp, although it was around in some form for centuries before, played a key role in the Baroque period. So much so that one of the most famous types of Harps is known as the Baroque Harp!!

Therefore, Harptallica successfully bridges the gap between J.S. Bach and Metallica in one step! Incredible. It's almost like Metallica covering a bach song (almost). Apparently Kyle and I are way smarter than even we think.

If that wasn't enough, Harptallica is coming to town! To Vintage Vinyl here in St. Louis! Something is at work here. Something supernatural; divine. The icing on the cake is the date that Harptallica will be here:

April 30th, the last day of our experiment.

I leave you with the press release from Vintage Vinyl webpage:

Harptallica
April 30 5:00 PM

"Harp 'Em All" when
Harptallica plays at Vintage Vinyl on April 30th

What innocently started as a graduate school project has now formed into a real deal band as Harptallica has moved the show from halls of academia to the dives of the rock club circuit. With their MM degrees in hand from the Eastman School of Music,
the mighty harp duo of Ashley Toman and Patricia Kline are Harptallica and are on the road promoting their latest CD "Harptallica - A Tribute". The group doesn't just play the cuts from the Metallica songbook, they attack them. Catch a free taste of Harptallica when they perform at Vintage Vinyl on April 30th at 5:00PM, get a full set that night when they rock it across the street at the Red Sea's The Underground.

Metallica: Day 5

So last night a girl asked Sauerwein a hypothetical question:

"If you were going on a road trip and could only listen to 5 CD's, what would they be?"

The crowd went nuts. Sauerwein was elated. Girl was confused. We couldn't have planned that better. Kyle's excitement took over him and he loudly proclaimed that "JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH F**KING RULES!"

Right now I'm listening to "The Memory Remains" as performed live at Cuyahoga Falls, OH on July 8, 1998. Hetfield just said something so ridiculous I can't bear repeating it. My major beef this past week was that Jimmy H's vocal inflections have been so awful that it renders some songs unlistenable. **Good God, it's the end of the song now and he's yelling "come-on!!" to the crowd to keep singing the lyrics. It's like desperate anger. Song's over and now it's "Bleeding Me." so intense.** The vocals make you want to think who actually talks like that??!? It's actually worse live, so I fear that "The Field" actually does talk like that, which makes listeners suspect that he's either mentally handicapped or recently suffered a massive stroke.

After a few days of this experiment, we have decided to slightly amend the rules. First off, we have decided that going to music shows is acceptable because 1) they may not return during a non-metallica/bach month, 2) we don't want artists to suffer from this contest because of the lack of our presence, and 3) it's like being in any other establishment and the music is out of our control (we probably would have explained it any way we could've. we're still going to go to shows).

Second, we have eliminated the rule that all music must be acquired before April 1. In spite of the fact that a very thoughtful and impressive individual brought me more Metallica on the 11th hour of March 31st to round out my collection, all of the guys that I've talked to say that my collection is still missing some very critical pieces to the Metallica puzzle. Kyle put it best:

"Anything that makes you listen to more Metallica is good for this experiment."

**Holy crap. The Field just said something to the audience then barked. Not sure if that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, or if it's awesome and hard core. I'm confused and conflicted now, but I wonder what I'll think of that in three weeks. Can't wait.**

I mentioned eighty-something words ago about talking to guys about Metallica. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to let everyone in on information only someone in my position would know: 96.1% of all of the males who share my demographic are once-hardcore or currently-closet Metallica enjoyers. There is something inherently masculine about Metallica's thrash rock, and I could feel it deep in my loins almost immediately after "Battery" started playing. I couldn't imagine girls being really into Metallica. Not that I would judge them, But girls don't seems to have all of the pent-up aggression that testosterone provides. ****"Yessir, King Nothing!!" Wow. That really happened.****

That being said, I would like to update everyone on my current state of affairs. I feel great. I rock in the morning and again when I come home. So far no person or object has been smashed, but I have boxing gloves in my garage -- and I am an animal. The only negative side effects I have experienced are being a little bit more short-tempered with my dad, and breathing a little heavier through the mouth, causing most glass around me to fog up.

On the other hand, I have to shave more often and my bodily organs associated with reproduction and secondary sex characteristics have increased in size and heft. My scores in Big Buck Hunter have seen dramatic improvement. And somehow, without training, I know how to clean an automatic weapon and replace a rear axle in a half-ton truck.

Kyle;

You have been seriously misled, child. I pity you.

I do want to clear the air, first. This is not a competition. However, it is absurd to suggest that Bach implies manliness more than the collection of men who represent Metallica. I intend to prove that definitively here, using some of the research I have been collecting in preparation for our experiment.

First, let's start where we can both agree. The generally-agreed upon model of the culmination of Manly is Clint Eastwood's character "The Man with No Name."

I believe you can find in which composer the most similarities lie:

It is clearly the gentleman with the banjo.

(can J.S. Bach play banjo? no?? Harpsichord, you say? Do you think that's what Wild Bill wants to hear while he's playing poker, or what Doc Holiday listens to while enjoying bourbon? no sir.)

I agree with you, that the ability to reproduce is indeed a quality possessed by top specimens of men. But do not confuse ability with action. James Hetfield is an "UltraMan" and as such prefers to sow his seed in a "non-traditional" fashion: effectively coating the back, bosom, abdomen, face and hair region, but never the birth canal. An UltraMan rarely makes a deposit of something so powerful into the custody of a woman!

Being an UltraMan has some disadvantages, as the men in Metallica are almost too fertile for their own good! They constantly run the risk of impregnating anyone around them.

(This has actually happened twice. The most recent time was when Lars Ulrich was checking his Yahoo! 360 profile and a woman in Australia was checking hers at the same time and became spontaneously pregnant with twins! Several hours later the twins (Duke and Vlad) chewed their way out of their prison and killed each other in a 4 day battle for dominance. The other time was in 1987 where a busboy in McKinney, Texas had to be administered emergency contraceptive after cleaning off a table where James Hetfield had just eaten a raw 68 oz. Porterhouse.)

Bach, on the other hand, not only foolishly claimed all of the children (likely all drama students), but he told his women that he loved them! Oddly enough, all of his children, save 1.5, were of very dark complexion. Let's take a look at some of Bach's ladies:

Ulga Boravinski: Ulga met Johann at the annual Sauerkraut Festival. She thought his rendition of Chopsticks was "majestic." She thoroughly impressed Johann when she won the Hammer Toss and gave him the first place prize: a live goat at the peak of sexuality and tastiness. The first night they met they played the olde tyme version of "Heart and Soul" into the early morning hours.

Gretta Heinsburg: A young temptress who seduced Bach during one of his visits to Berlin. He was powerless to stop her advances, for in addition to her stunning beauty, for years she studied the sexual arts in China. An UltraMan would have resisted and stayed loyal to his bearded wife, however, Johann succumbed to the powers of women and quickly (birthed 5 months after meeting her) had a child with her with ambiguous ethnicity and genitalia.

It's not your fault, Kyle. You're just naive. It's cute, actually. I wish I could still be as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as you.

Moving on. let me fill you in on some Metallica trivia:

• A similar experiment to the one you describe was performed with Metallica songs. Laboratory rats were exposed to "Seek and Destroy" for 24 hours (Released on Kill'em All on July 25th, 1983. It is not a coincidence that this is also known as Black July, when thousands of Sri Lankans were killed in a massacre after the initial spin of Metallica's new cuts). These rats quickly grew mullets and had unconsentual sexual intercourse with WNBA players.
  


• Chuck Norris applied to be the bass player in Metallica but was turned away due to lack of manliness. Lars called him a "pansy." aw dang!



• Metallica has inspired or invented 409 different things, including the barbed wire tattoo, chest hair, the handlebar mustache, beef jerky and scowling.



• J.S. Bach has never won a Grammy. the Grammy score is 1-nil in favor of Metallica.


• Pyrotechnics. Where's Bach at? 'Cause Metallica is bringin' it.
  

Johann Sebastian Bach is a wonderful composer, but he's a dandy. Metallica is a superior representation of Man.

oh, and one more thing...