An Auditory Experiment

VS.

Just today, my roommate Brett and I decided to perform an experiment (inspired by something Chuck Klosterman wrote and those experiments about the effects of heavy metal on plants).

For the month of April, Brett will listen exclusively to the rock band Metallica.

He will listen to Metallica while driving in his vehicle. He will listen to Metallica while engaged in coital pleasures. He will listen to Metallica while defecating.

If Brett should die in a car accident in April 2008, the last thing he will ever hear is the thumping beats of Lars Ulrich's drums hammering under James Hetfield's guttural growls (perfectly complemented, of course, by the snakelike bass lines of Ron McGovney, Cliff Burton, Jason Newstead, or Robert Trujillo).

This will go on until May 1.

Simultaneously, I will perform the same experiment, only I will listen exclusively to the Baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach.

I will listen to Bach while running. I will listen to Bach while engaged in autoerotic activities. If I am suddenly possessed by a case of road rage, I will be forced to ram the other driver off the road to the contrapuntal strains of Bach's Fugue No. 4 in C-Sharp Minor.

Furthermore (and I am making this up as I go along), we are each required to read a biography of our artist during the month of April. Our subsequent book reports will be published on this blog.

Rules
1. the Honor System is in force.

2. music selections that are beyond our free will do not count against us. For example, if (hypothetically, of course) Ramsey frequents a bar in the month of April, he is allowed to listen whatever jukebox selection is playing; however, should he enter a selection, it is absolutely required that the artist be Metallica.

*note: the fact that Brett is also in a band complicates this somewhat. I've ultimately decided that Brett is also allowed to play drums for his band. However, for the purposes of this experiment I strongly suggest that the Hibernauts morph into a Metallica tribute band for one month.

3. Situations where Brett and I are listening to music together must be divided up equally, by day.

4. All music must be purchased by April 1. This creates an interesting dilemma: how many Metallica albums does Brett need to buy to get him through a month? How much J.S. Bach do I need to fill an entire month? To my knowledge, Brett currently owns zero Metallica albums and I own a mere pittance of one J.S. Bach CD (The Best Of Bach, which was purchased at Wal-Mart on a whim).


Hypothesis:

Brett and I are both middle-class white males in our mid-twenties. We share similar body types and somewhat similar lifestyles. We are both above average in health. We eat balanced diets. To my knowledge, each of us are free from all major sexually transmitted diseases.

I propose the following hypothesis: that on May 1, 2008, after 30 consecutive days of listening to Metallica, Brett Ramsey will be transformed into a Faulknerian idiot man-child: a quivering, twitching mass of hunchbacked retardation. I, on the other hand, will resemble Nietzsche's Übermensch : tall, strong-backed, and bursting with vigorous health, energy, and vitality. My smile will light up the room. Brett will be unable to open his mouth without spewing green mucus-vomit all over himself.

By May 1, I will average one solid fibrous bowel movement per day. On the contrary, Brett Ramsey's fecal activities will be constant and resemble the Asian tsunamis of 2004.

To the right is a picture of Brett Ramsey's digestive system reacting to his brazen attempt to eat a small cup of rice for breakfast.

The honeys that I consort with will be, in general, mad fly. They will possess large, hyperactive mammary glands. They will have wide, child-bearing hips. Their youthful, unlined skin will suggest many years of reproductive potential.

On the other hand, the only honeys that Brett will manage to obtain will be, I'm afraid, quite wack. They may even have big arms.

I also hypothesize that after 30 days of Metallica, Brett Ramsey will become a total fucking mouth-breather.



Below I have included theoretical pictures of the May 1 versions of Brett Ramsey and myself.



Brett Ramsey's posture has deteriorated significantly.








As you can see, after 30 days of listening to the melodies of J.S. Bach, I show a marked improvement in physical size, muscle tone, and pubic plumage. Most significantly, my phallic length has increased tenfold.




We will begin posting updates on our conditions in April, provided that Ramsey retains enough hand-eye coordination and functional intelligence to even operate a computer.




Hopefully, we can all learn something from this. Let it begin.