Why Jack Shephard is Emo...

• Mad at his Dad? Check.
• Went to Thailand and got weird stupid tattoos? Check.
• Always crying way too easily? Check.
• Constantly putting in way too much face time with the ladies only to wuss out? Check.
• Likes "ironic jokes" but only in the sense that you just repeat something with a different inflection (...not actually funny). Check.
• Listens to "Saves the Day?" Currently unknown.
• Listens to Pixies' "Gouge Away" doesn't like the Pixies, just the title? Debatable.
• Grow ironic beard while still fastidiously maintaining douchey haircut? Check.
• Smashes mirrors? Check.
• Smashes pictures of his childhood home? Check.
• Used to be on Party of Five? Check.
  

Your Job['s] Your Credit

This might require some explanation. This is Alex Ovechkin, if you don't hate hockey you know he plays it real good for Capitals of Washington, da? In the D.C. there's a used car company called "Eastern Motors" that advertise by typically having Redskins (& Ravens?) players dance to their shitty catchy drum & trumpet jingle. (Guaranteed to be Brett's new jam, ringtone, and all around theme song).

Anyway, to get a better idea of their target demographic, you should really consult, local celeb, and primary spokesperson, - with the possible exception of Chief Zee - D.C. native, and Friday star Johnathan Witherspoon.



Or else, you know, you could check out their youtube page.

"Suvs, are you listnin man."

I May Be Losing It

For further studies in crazy.

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

Also, I have no idea who wrote this. Yep, none whatsoever.

Whelp, I'm Sold

Obscenity...

Does swearing make things funnier?

A case study in adding motherf*cker* to popular commercial slogans.

Just do it motherf*cker.

Yes, much better, and intimidatingly simple.

I'm lovin it motherf*cker.

Not bad, but try this...

Buduh-duhdaduh I'm lovin it motherf*cker.

Oh that's weird.

It's time to fly motherf*cker.

Good work United Airlines, I think this would be far more impactful than the PG version.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there motherf*cker.

Unless your Samuel L. Jackson, this goes in the no sense catagory.

You gotta eat motherf*cker.

Oddly accurate Rally's.

Blockbuster video, wow, what a difference motherf*cker.

Are you making fun of me Blockbuster?

Budweiser, king of beers motherf*cker.

Drunk St. Louisian.

Budweiser, king of motherf*ckers.

Drunk North County kid?

Can you hear me now motherf*cker?

By far the most improved.

Have it your way motherf*cker.

Again, strangely aggressive Burger King.

Dog's don't know its not bacon motherf*cker.

Hmmm

*If it's the only word I'm going to use I don't to scar young readers.

Hopefully Extra-Terrestrials Don't Have Access to YouTube

So this is what humanity has come to. I guess I would call this "awesome"-- as a matter of fact I think it's one of the most amazing things I have ever seen-- but it is also a very sobering thought to think that to some, this may be a representation of what I am: American, musician/artist, internet user, and human/earthling.

Once Dolphins learn how to use a keyboard and mouse (an inevitability), I predict that they will see videos like this one and realize that they should have taken over a long time ago.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Ms. Peachez.



It takes all kinds of people to make a world.