Friday, September 26, 2008

Self Defense Course - Lesson #1

As a gentleman currently residing in South City, I am forced to defend myself on a daily basis from the ruffians that infest my neighborhood.

Thus I have become quite proficient at the art of self-defense. I wish to impart my knowledge to you, helpless reader. I shall do so through a series of lessons. If you study diligently all of the lessons, you shall become a True Warrior (or at least on the same level as the great monkey fighter in Bloodsport).

In addition, you may wish to refer to my posting several months earlier on How to Kick a Spider's Ass.

Lesson #1 - The Sonic Boom

While facing your assailant, take four steps back. Your opponent, sensing weakness, will foolishly grow confident and let his guard down. However, at the end of the fourth step, you will move your hands forward at the speed of sound (761 mph - or possibly faster depending on your altitude). This creates a series of pressure waves. The waves will be forced together, or compressed, because they cannot "get out of the way" of each other, eventually merging into a single shock wave at the speed of sound (source: wikipedia).

This creates a potent discharge that will instantly render any adversary unconscious upon first contact. You may also take the pleasure of yelling "Sonic Boom!" as you whip your discharge at your hapless adversary.

If the adversary attempts to jump over the Sonic Boom, you can sweep them or perform a flash kick. (Helpful hint for beginners: to perform a flash kick, jump upwards at 500 mph and do a backflip whilst kicking your opponent in the face)



hapless ruffian faces a Sonic Boom as Friendly's patrons look on

I have used this move against many a ruffian and have found it quite effective... so effective, in fact, that the ruffian population of South St. Louis has decreased almost 13% over the past four months!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Booze + Goons = Sillyness

This was so funny at the time.  To the tune of Robot Rock by Daft Punk:


Friday, September 19, 2008

The Great Claw-Off!!

Well, this is an idea that Sarge and Kevin Connors came up with, but you can see that it's great.  Here are the rules:

The arena is the BigChoice Claw Machine at Friendly's.  It is $0.25 per play, quarters only.


Players take a set amount of money(we used $2.50) and compete alternately to win the prizes trapped within.  When the pre-determined amount of money is spent, the game is over and the player with the most prizes wins.  Pretty straightforward.


I'd prefer to not disclose the victor of Sarge and my contest for two reasons:
  1. It was an exhibition game and therefore the results do not go onto our official stats
  2. The winner won by capitalizing on their opponents' mistake and winning by unscrupulous means does not warrant public glory.
See you guys at the BigChoice Claw soon.  I'll take any challengers.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Ian Enjoys "Party Ryes"

This picture will be in a museum someday.