I am the only person on earth that truly understands Rod Stewart's facial hair in this video.

More and more of my jokes are getting lapped as I get older

At least my KaZaa jokes are still mine.

Wedding Songs...

Crocodiles Live: I Wanna Kill
Uploaded by Noisevox. - See the latest featured music videos.

Crocodiles

For. The. Win.

Angel Of The Morning @ Yahoo! Video

Calling Out Bacardi

This 'Retro' Mojito thing needs to be put on notice.



For years Bacardi's ad campaign has been "we're the official drank of herpetic skanks, and v-necked ed hardy t-shirt enthusiasts." Remember?



Now suddenly they want to be Wolf Parade and Wes Anderson? Uhm, excuse us, but no whay in hell you sons of whores (for our dog loving readers).

"Troy" Glossary

Sauerwein and myself have discussed recently the need for a glossary of terms that our group of friends who grew up together in Troy, IL. Most of it is nonsense and ridiculous and not entertaining but -- what the hell, here it is for posterity.

McGee - 1. noun. A young man with a substantial and visible amount of charisma and virility. Named for a character from the adult film Safari Jane.

2. verb. To engage in sexual activity with a fresh female

Being quite the McGee, I predict that Henry will take that mad fly honey home tonight and McGee her.

Rap Tap - 1. verb. An unknown term that was once used in Canada. Most likely some type of award given by a homeless man to vacationing intoxicated teenagers from the states. Given to Luke Wells in 2002.

2. verb. Possibly "Wrap-Tap," Which might be a creative way to describe intercourse, i.e. "wrap it and tap it."

3. verb. An activity enacted on a homeboy who is sleeping/passed out, such as spraying water from a spray bottle, drawing genitals on homeboy's forehead, or tickling homeboy's face with genitals.

After enduring several minutes of Rap-Tapping, Kyle woke up and exclaimed: "Guys, stop rap-tapping me! Go rap-tap Crosby!"

Young Master - noun. A man with a bright future who, at a precocious age, has reached the pinnacle of Mastery. syn. "Youthful Maestro."

Dice - 1. verb. To abruptly awaken a homeboy(usually because he is late for work), by unscrupulous means. syn. Rap-Tap.

2. verb. To engage in some kind of activity with a female, whether on the dance floor or in the bedroom.

3. verb. To out-wit, out-smart, or out-play an enemy in a nightlife setting.

"Sauerwein, STOP DICING ME!!"

Smandarin - noun. A club located in downtown St. Louis that plays phat beats, has mad fly honeys, and is a hot-spot for men who love Asian women (A known hotspot for St. Louis' Yakuza faction).

Let's go to Smandarin tonight and listen to the phat beats, mingle with the mad fly honeys, and get smasbied.

The Sauerwein - noun. A dance move that involves hunching over and twisting from the hips. related to: QWG

#1 Grandpa - noun. A term reserved for the whitest boy in the room who demonstrates an ability to say random and stupid shit. Usually indicated by wearing the hat.

Tonight Gene is the #1 Grandpa.

#1 Goon - noun. See "#1 Grandpa"

Facebeard - noun. The ultimate symbol of virility and character. A collection of hairs located centrally on a man's face that indicate qualities similar to lumberjacks and cowboys.

Mouth Breather -

Knuckle-Dragging - verb. The ape-like gait of a homeboy who has had a few too many cold cocktails throughout the evening and now walks with his/her primate arms hanging low and handknuckles dragging, or almost dragging, the ground. Can result in running into bystanders or causing them gut-busting laughter.

"remember when Terrance got so drunk in Memphis that he was Knuckle-Dragging all over Beale Street?"

House - verb. To demonstrate your skills and show your opponents that you mean business; often used in relation during Touch Screen Game or Game with the ladies.

"If Steve was at the top of his game he would've Housed that shit!"

Smasbied - noun; state of being. How one might react to a string of several very strong cocktails. Named for a man who once gave a false name while under the influence of boozehol and didn't elect to give their real name. Indicates that a person isn't able to make proper decisions about talking to people (read: women), and will occasionally strike out with MFH's.

Jose - noun. person. A man who first appeared years ago near Lake Ozarks, MO at a place called Bayhill Yunkers

Moosetache - noun. Facial hair that might be reminiscent of Nicolas Cage, or Tom Selleck, or any number of individuals who have an amazing version of facial hair between their nose and upper lip. Often this is accompanied with a desire to either touch women or baiting young boys with candy (sometimes Mike'n'Ikes's).

Homeboy has a really awesome Moosetache"

Tasty Treat -

Jasper -

Phat Beat -

Baby Knees -

Mad Fly HoneyBaby -

Touchscreen -

QWG - noun. "Quintessential White Goon." Marked by a propensity to do the whitest possible thing in any situation. Watch for The Sauerwein, or any combination of awkward dance moves.

HIM - noun. Jason Tedesco, as described by a stranger while acquiring Chicken Burgers syn. Jesus-like character.

Unknown Stranger at McDonald's: "Are you HIM?!??"

Jason Tedesco: "I am he."

Chicken Burgers -

Mini Burgers -

Bo Peep -

Brain -

Skull -

Cut -

Miniature Van -

Mini Cups -

Subaru -

Combinations -

The Rumor - noun. Refers to the rumor that Terry Swalley was getting butt-humped in the back of a pick-up truck in the Tri-Township Park. As stated by a fellow Triad H.S. graduate, which has been proven false, but is still propagated by Swalley's best friends.

FaceHump

Steak It and Shake It -

Keystone Light -

The Black Death -

Lebanon, IL -

Smichael Smikesell -

China -

Midtown Billiards -

Shooters - noun. A drinking establishment in Metropolis, IL. The pinnacle of fun and excitement.

Roxy's -

Lucas Park -

Shorthead -

A Small Market Hero is Something to be...

Wow, this is the best George Brett story since this (commemorated by this post with the broken video link). And in case you forgot, to quote Brett, George Brett is money.

Ozzie Smith doesn't have pants like this, we're getting some, that's not a joke, we're serious.

For Morrow, ('Cos it alrady is)...

Here you go, and man, Pete Yorn, did we ever get a ruling on him? I mean that one CD was alright, but writing one album for hipster girlfriends and "grown-up" beer commercials does not a hero make...

Sweet finger pickin'

I can't remember how to blog properly, so check out this link if you want a boner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXyvCJlPgME&feature=related

Fly Debate - Tsetse Fly vs. Fruit Fly

vs.

It's the classic debate. Beatles vs. Stones. Blondes vs. Brunettes. Mantle vs. Mays. Tits vs. Ass. Transvestites vs. Cross-Dressers. Roe vs. Wade.

And now, I have discovered another: Tsetse Flies Vs. Fruit Flies.

These age-old questions are impeccable methods in defining a person's character (it's also much more convenient than actually talking to them). For example, I've always been a tsetse fly man. It's such an integral part of my personality that my friends, when describing me to a stranger, will say something like "Kyle. Dark hair. Medium height. Kind of a dork. LOVES tsetse flies". And know this: I would never, EVER, date a girl who preferred fruit flies. It's not that I hate fruit-fly lovers (to each their own, I say) but some classes of people just don't belong together. I ask you this: would you want your daughter to marry one?

This very afternoon, I posed the question to a group of people via text-message on my cellular telephone:

Poll Question: Do you prefer fruit flies or tsetse flies?

The answers came pouring in immediately. It became apparent that I'd struck a rich, untapped vein of the American consciousness - captured the zeitgeist, if you will. People were adamant about their preference. Some examples:

"Fruit flies...no question" - Jason T.

"My slogan: f-- fruit flies" - Tanya B.

"I despise fruit flies" - Christin K.

"Are you drunk?" - Girl From Nashville

Others seemed to be confused/frightened with the question, as exemplified by Nathan S. of St. Louis, who contemplated for two hours before responding "umm wtf???". Understandable, though - it must be daunting to be suddenly confronted with a single question that characterizes the very essence of your being.

As the data came in, certain trends emerged. Fruit flies quickly jumped into the lead, but later turnout brought tsetse flies right back into contention. An hour into the voting, the race was still wide open. When the dust finally settled, the tsetse fly was the clear winner with 8 votes, while the fruit fly limped into second with 5 votes. There were also several write-in votes, which will be discussed later.

28 people were polled in full. 25 were polled via text-message, with 3 persons being polled face-to-face (my father, while shaving, gave the write-in vote of "what the fuck you talking about, boy?")

Gender breakdown: 10 respondents were male, while 6 were female. The conclusion? Chicks think I'm weird.

One interesting trend: the women that did respond preferred tsetse flies by a margin of 5 to 1. I have a theory on this. According to Wikipedia: "Tsetse also have a long proboscis which extends directly forward and is attached by a distinct bulb to the bottom of their head." In other words, it's definitely a phallic thing. Women love phalluses.

"Tsetse...hands down" - Kate C.

Something to remember next time you're at the bar, gentlemen. I'm going to go right out and say it: stuff your pants with tsetse flies and you will get laid.

Racial Breakdown: A full 96.4% of the respondents were Caucasian - the remaining 3.6% being the Hindu guy I had Econ class with last year. Conclusion? I get 99% of my cultural diversity at strip clubs.

Age Breakdown: The majority of respondents were in the 24-35 age demographic. However, the maturity level of the respondents seemed to rest squarely between ages 13-14.

Individual responses are highlighted below:

The first response I received was from Kyle C. of St. Louis and it immediately validated the entire poll: "Tsetse flies. They may have malaria, but fruits have AIDS". Ka-boom! For those scoring at home, that's tsetse flies 1, fruit flies 0, and Homophobes 1, Homosexuals 0.

Blake F. (Maryville, IL) must be recognized for his write-in vote of Drosophila Melanogaster, which proved that, despite one's knowledge of politics/entomology, one is still capable of messing up a simple poll question.

Brett R of South City: "Tse tse fly = malaria. Gotta go with the fruit. Cocktail." There's a slight (99.9%) chance that his was an inebriated response.

The "filthy and unwashed" demographic went 100% for fruit flies, as evidenced by Ian E.'s vote for "Fruit flies". Perhaps when something has been circling you for the past 14 years, you begin to develop an affection for it.

The biting tendencies of the respective flies seemed to divide people. Molly from Chicago responded: "I guess fruit, they don't bite. What is this for?", while Tanya B. of Troy, IL preferred tsetse flies because "they sound more hardcore than fruit flies". Indeed they are.

My brother chose tsetse flies because fruit flies "are stupid." When asked to elaborate, he stated that they "are used in too many experiments". I think that might have been my favorite answer.

My mother, when asked, exclaimed, "I hate fruit flies. I'll take the tsetses!" This is actually written in Latin on the Sauerwein family crest. Capiam tsetses! We Sauerweins love our tsetses. Previous family slogan: si vos venit ex Sauerwein exertus , vos diligo tsetses ("if you came from Sauerwein testes, you love the tsetses!")

Mike C. of Troy, IL, merely responded "Tsetse". Simple and elegant - much like the tsetse fly itself.

Charley Lau is Why We're Better than You

Genius

Arnold is still numero uno & so are the Royals.

The Greatest Movie Ever Made

Yep, goin to Chipotle soon...

Ween "Buenos Tardes Amigo" ~(unofficial)


People like to add the suffix -tard to everything now, like, Libtards, Ron Paultards, Republitard, Hillarytard.

Try that with Music...

Eh?

Chronicles of Binge Drinking Part I.

I fought the popcorn and the popcorn won.

The Royales Are Numero Uno Otra Vez!

Yeah, we got that guy.

And this, only replace the "Arnold" with "the Royales," and you have an awesome grammatically incorrect shirt!:



And this is Zach Greinke...


I can throw a baby wolf at over a 100 mph so I suggest you keep your children close.

In a blatant attempt to get Morrow back on this blog, and because THIS really needs no title or explanation in regard to the following master stroke:



Oh and one more thing for Morrow:

Vanity Search

I'm the real Brett Ramsey!

if I do a vanity search in Google for my own name, the real me isn't even on the first page.  That's depressing that there are 10 other Brett Ramsey's who are making more of a dent in the [cyber] world than me.

Same story over at Yahoo.

Here are some of the professions that other Brett Ramsey's are being successful at:

Appraiser

Race Car Driver

Dog Lover

Sports Writer

Some Canadian on Facebook

Photographer

Crew Member for the 1996 Spike Lee film Get on the Bus

Maybe that means that Brett Ramsey is a name that leads to success!

Anyway, the solution in the meantime is Personalized Search.

Talking Like Kenny Powers is Awesome

(NSFW video)

Eastbound & Down Intro
Uploaded by papron

Mostly it just involves cursing more, now Ashley Shaffer is just doin animalistic Will Ferrell with a southern accent and drawing out the las syllable.

Like I have shitty towel and when I dry off without shaving leaves lint all over my face, so instead of making a frowny face I'm all like,

"Goddammit now every time I get out of the shower I look like I'm trying to hide fact I'm actually a some kinda goddamn halfbreed type of muppet from my girlfriend or something."

or

Chuck Bednarik... That's Silverback Stock if I've Ever Seen It.

"We played all 60 minutes, both ways. We were iron men not pussyfoots."

The italics aren't editorial, that's how he said it.

Can't do it

I can't do the whole Will Smith thing.  I just can't.  I started watching Bad Boys the other night and started typing a crappy blog during it.  I stopped watching the movie halfway through, and stopped the crappy blog halfway through.  I hate blog-as-it-goes blogging anyway; I never read them. 

Too much Big Willie Style narcissism, too much mid-90's crap.  Nothing was funny, and the explosions weren't big enough.  The scene where the hooker was murdered wasn't very dramatic -- after all, she was a prostitute.

So I guess I'll just say something that I hate saying: I quit.

Maybe I'll post the half-written blog, but I'm going to bury it back in 1995.  That's the beauty of blogging,  I can travel freely through time.

April Fool's Day

This is exactly the type of crap that I mentioned on Twitter:

Granted, I do kind of get a kick out of it, but instead of making this commercial, can we give some of that money to philanthropy (specifically, me)?

The Fresh Prince

Okay, I guess I'll just come out and say it: I'm a fan of Will Smith: aka Big Willie, aka The Fresh Prince, aka Hitch.

So part of my 2009 objectives was to watch the entire scope of one actor's work. It made sense to choose the talented actor/rapper/father/future president of the United States of America Will Smith; courtesy of Netflix. I'm sticking to the Silver Screen only, as I am not so interested in television or freshness.

I will be blogging as I watch each of his films with my thoughts and feelings. Raw and uncensored.

Stay tuned.

Like, whoa

Yeah, this is pretty insane, and as far as japanimation goes our general rule is that it's to be avoided along the same lines as goths, vampires, hot topic, girls with any sort of wings tattoos, 97.6% of decorative flames, christian rock, padlock themed jewelry, steampunk, eastern europeans, sketchers and pretty much anyone who made the mistake of falling for the barb wire arm tattoo. But we usually like the site where we found this, so it had the benefit of the doubt. The first part we were all like "oh man they're taking this serious, this is aweful." BUT, if you stick around until like the 1:55 we promise you'll be like "oh man, that is ridiculous, ridiculously awesome."

AVP?

Yep, pretty awesome. More here, via here.

Your Job['s] Your Credit

This might require some explanation. This is Alex Ovechkin, if you don't hate hockey you know he plays it real good for Capitals of Washington, da? In the D.C. there's a used car company called "Eastern Motors" that advertise by typically having Redskins (& Ravens?) players dance to their shitty catchy drum & trumpet jingle. (Guaranteed to be Brett's new jam, ringtone, and all around theme song).

Anyway, to get a better idea of their target demographic, you should really consult, local celeb, and primary spokesperson, - with the possible exception of Chief Zee - D.C. native, and Friday star Johnathan Witherspoon.



Or else, you know, you could check out their youtube page.

"Suvs, are you listnin man."

"I wouldn't describe his humor as infectious so much as metastasizing"

Joke by me, in progress, yeah, sorry about that, cancer is not proper comedy material. We're sorry, really, no I'm sorry, yes, I know, I am a bad person. I will try to work on it.

Whitest Kids U Know takin it to a metaphysical level...

Between this, Important Things, and the new season of Flight of the Conchords my absurdity/reality line is getting pretty blurry these days.

Happy 'Stache Wednesday

'nuff said.

The Revenger

Thanks for this video, Demetri Martin. Especially enjoyed the office scenes. I like you now.

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

Power - The Revenger

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games
More Funny Videos

Tinted Windows

How has no one heard of this? Oh that's right no one cares but me. So is the spectrum: Fountains of Wayne - Cheap Trick's Drummer - Creepy James Iha - Taylor Hanson? Where does irony rule and where technical ability kick in, to be honest the song, here, isn't bad.

Motorcycle Gang?

I gotta admit, I almost prefer to put one picture on this blog than an entire album on Facebook.

(but anyway, here's the album: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2126280&id=33302872&l=46d6f)

How to Properly Dance

An "Accurate" Image of the Author?

Pajamagrams Creating an Unhealthily Unrealistic Unsexy Image for Men

As the resident purveyor of TV shopping (note to hipster bloggers we had the "snuggy" covered way back in August), and we'd love to cover the Sham-Wow (but how? it's so awesome), we'd now like to tackle the insidious Valentine's Day creation: The Pajamagram.

Behold:

Clearly the creation of psychopath, clearly.

Now notice that following the adjective "sexy" the reveal a model who may indeed be "sexy" to most, but nonetheless is wearing what amounts to a wife beater and glorified zubaz pants...


But, maybe that's just the ad, surely they keep the racy stuff on the website...

Oh my, shield your eyes children.

When did freshman dorm casual "sexy" based solely on availability and if anything for being an interesting change of pace, become the gold standard? Bullshit, it's comfort and laziness, as such, we present our new "sexy" men's line:

Hotness.

Ed. Note: We will admit that this particular pair are kinda thing that is either the most awesome thing we've ever seen or just terrifying (depending on the wearer[s]):

Someone Should Tell the NAACP That Their Name is Kinda Racist

Pretty sure The Onion must have made this joke before...

Swayze Can't Fail

Brookside's Finest At Work

This Music Video Is So Intense!

okay, so this is actually for real.  Kyle and I investigated it.  AND it's from 2008. 

My favorite part is around 2:40.

In Case Richie Tenenbaum Bummed Anyone Out...

I'm Back

Now that my computer is freshly repaired, I'm back to blogging.  In the meantime, if you read this blog, then you probably have enough time to read my band's blog:

www.thehibernauts.blogspot.com

Hey Brett, Do You're Sway Impression: "Wha'd Up World, This Is Sway"

Why? Cause I Can...

FACT: All the Former Residents of A103 Would Sleep with a Mentally Retarded Girl if She Looked Sufficiently Like Salma Hayek.

Fact.