Self Defense Course - Lesson #1

As a gentleman currently residing in South City, I am forced to defend myself on a daily basis from the ruffians that infest my neighborhood.

Thus I have become quite proficient at the art of self-defense. I wish to impart my knowledge to you, helpless reader. I shall do so through a series of lessons. If you study diligently all of the lessons, you shall become a True Warrior (or at least on the same level as the great monkey fighter in Bloodsport).

In addition, you may wish to refer to my posting several months earlier on How to Kick a Spider's Ass.

Lesson #1 - The Sonic Boom

While facing your assailant, take four steps back. Your opponent, sensing weakness, will foolishly grow confident and let his guard down. However, at the end of the fourth step, you will move your hands forward at the speed of sound (761 mph - or possibly faster depending on your altitude). This creates a series of pressure waves. The waves will be forced together, or compressed, because they cannot "get out of the way" of each other, eventually merging into a single shock wave at the speed of sound (source: wikipedia).

This creates a potent discharge that will instantly render any adversary unconscious upon first contact. You may also take the pleasure of yelling "Sonic Boom!" as you whip your discharge at your hapless adversary.

If the adversary attempts to jump over the Sonic Boom, you can sweep them or perform a flash kick. (Helpful hint for beginners: to perform a flash kick, jump upwards at 500 mph and do a backflip whilst kicking your opponent in the face)

hapless ruffian faces a Sonic Boom as Friendly's patrons look on

I have used this move against many a ruffian and have found it quite effective... so effective, in fact, that the ruffian population of South St. Louis has decreased almost 13% over the past four months!