Spiders

I killed a spider at work a couple weeks ago. It was hanging over this woman's desk and she started freaking out. Being the nearest male in the vicinity, I took action. I grabbed a tissue and squashed the hell out of the spider.

I've probably fought 100 spiders in my life. My record? 100-0. I've never even come close to losing a fight against a spider. My dominance is uncanny. I've never trained as a fighter. I'm not especially big or strong. I haven't even been in a fistfight since 5th grade. Yet spiders are unable to defeat me.

It's really pretty impressive when you consider a few facts:
1. spiders have 8 legs, while I have merely 2.
2. spiders can spin webs. I am unable to do so.
3. spiders are known predators, while I buy my food at Shop 'n Save

It all comes down to a few small advantages that I exploit:
1. I am bigger than spiders
--I stand nearly 6'1 and weigh 190 pounds. Most spiders I fight are less than two inches in diameter. Their weight I can only guess at, but let's assume for practical purposes that it's less than mine. This gives me a tremendous advantage. I am able to use my 72 inch wingspan to keep the spider at bay. In addition, I can hold a spider down with my bodyweight, and in the process crush most of its internal organs.
2. I am quicker than spiders
--Were I to race a spider in a 100 yard dash, I believe you would find me winning fairly easily. In addition, I have quicker reflexes than spiders (honed from years of playing table tennis).
3. I am stronger than spiders
--I lift weights and do bodyweight exercises 3 times per week. I do full-body workouts that focus on stamina and explosiveness as well as strength. This allows me to pick up spiders and control them. My strength allows me to occasionally throw them or crush them. My strength advantage is a huge benefit when battling spiders.
4. I am more intelligent than spiders
--I have a college degree, which allows me to formulate advanced strategies and tactics before I engage in combat. Spiders, on the other hand, are quite foolish. Most of my fights are won mentally before they even begin. For example, let's examine my latest fight with a spider. As previously noted, I defeated the spider by crushing him in less than 10 seconds. My intelligence and college degree allowed me to quickly devise a plan: I grabbed a tissue so I wouldn't get any spider guts on my hands, took 3 quick steps toward the spider, and crushed his body between my tissue covered fingers. I think you'll have to agree that my strategy was far superior than the spider's strategy of "hanging there like a stupid insect".