Sometimes You Just Feel Like Some Gerry Rafferty

Brett's Obsession with Ludacris Explained

the rise of new journalism?

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/18/business/media/18voice.html?_r=1&hp

The Awesome Depression

"Great" just isn't a strong enough word.  The current economic situation has affected me but I'm not too upset about it.

Even though the very few people who read this blog already know about this, I figured I'd put it out there anyway.  Late last month, I parted ways with my employer in a fairly amicable lay-off. It was not my decision.

When it happened I experienced some sense of rejection and humiliation, but I soon embraced the accompanied euphoria in not having to report to work for "the man" every day.

I'm sharing on this fairly personal information on this very-public forum because I needed to explain my bloggin hiatus, which was due to the loss of the computer that was part of my relationship with my past employer.

In the meantime, if anyone needs freelance contruction work, handyman services, someone to chop wood, babysit, or general day labor, let me know.  Work requests can be sent to brettaramsey@gmail.com.

In the meantime I'll be busy growing my "freedom beard" for the rest of the year.

The Idiot's Guide to Panhandling

In these times of great economic woe it is important that we continue to better ourselves. While many analysts have focused on macro-issues such as tight credit markets and housing bubbles, it is equally important for the average American to focus on more personal issues that soon will be affecting all of our lives . Perhaps our local crack dealer will no longer allow us to purchase on credit. There are times that we may find ourselves a few cents short of that 40 ouncer that we so dearly crave. In that moment, it is essential to be educated in a vital subject that is sometimes lost in the U.S. educational mishmash of mathematics, rhetoric, scientific theory, and Western Thought. The subject I am referring to is panhandling. A lost art for some; for others, the lone way to get that precious hit of crack into their brain.

I am an expert in panhandling. Although I have held a job for nearly two consecutive years and generally earn my scratch by a unique method known as "labor", I work in downtown St. Louis and have had my pans successfully handled over 300 times, at a success rate of nearly 80%. It is estimated that I have indirectly financed over 47 crack purchases, 78 cases of public intoxication, and 83 strip club dalliances. By my own records, I have provided venture capital for over 56 journeys to "get dat medication for my sick fathers after I lose my wallet man...heppa a veteran out mans".

In these times of recession, I am to the St. Louis crackhead what the United States Government is to Bear Stearns and Fannie Mae.

Therefore I am well-versed in the art of panhandling, and as always, I shall impart that knowledge to you, fair reader.

I. The Greeting
It is important for a panhandler to never play his hand too early. "Hey man, cans I gets some money?" will not be as effective as "hey mans, lemme talk to ya a sec". It is vital to establish an angle between your position and your target's destination. By accurately gauging the length and speed of your potential benefactor's stride, you can estimate the exact area to cut him/her off. This is necessary to move on to Step 2, known as The Stop.

II. The Stop
The Stop is the most vital step in our process. It is estimated that 85% of panhandling attempts are lost by a failure to stop the target, and for good reason. A target that has been stopped is at a great psychological disadvantage. It is very easy to ignore/turn down someone from a distance whilst moving. By stopping your target, you have forced a more personal, face-to-face confrontation. As the great hustler/vagabond Muhammad Willie Boy Poondini once said, "you has gots to stop dat peripatetic pedestrian...hey, you gots a nickel, man?"

A successful stop hinges on lightning quick estimations of speed, angles, wind direction, and stride. It is important not to overshoot and put yourself in the direct path of the target, for it will create fear and suspicion. The target should ideally be met at a shoulder-to-shoulder angle. The inside foot should act as a subtle barrier between your target and his destination. The hands shall be open, implying warmth and friendliness. The breath should be rank, implying need.

Remember, fellow transients: when dealing with crowds, it is important to identify and isolate the weak member of the herd, much like a lion in the African safari. Do not be deluded with visions of glory. As with most predatory ventures, take good care to focus on the weak.

Once he has his target successfully stopped, a savvy panhandler will quickly launch into his "Rap", which is Step 3.

III. The Rap
I have broken down the principles of an effective rap through an easy-to-remember acronym: the SMART principle; meaning specifically:

Specific - a panhandler must be specific with his sob story. It is also essential to name a specific monetary goal for the target to contribute to.
Manageable - a panhandler will make more money asking for $2 than he will asking for $25.
Adjustable - a panhandler must be able to adjust his financial goals based on his target's reaction to the Rap.
Realistic - exactly the same as manageable, but is used because SMART principle sounds better that SMAT principle
Time-Based - the panhandler has but a few precious moments to convey multiple tales of woe, all which can conveniently be allayed by the target's donation. To ensure proper speed the panhandler should cast aside all conventions of grammar and syntax.

INCORRECT: "Pardon me sir, but might I trouble you for some United States currency? My wallet has been stolen and I need to make a journey to purchase the proper medication for my heart ailment. By the way, I am a veteran of the United States Marine Corps, having served two tours of duty in Korea"

CORRECT: "Hep me out man, I needs some change, some bills, some boy stole my wallet an I needs to gets my meds for my bad heart yo...hep a veteran man"

Below is a well-crafted rap with specific SMART principles in parenthesis:

"hey mans, hows you doing...lemme talka ya a sec...man, I gots to go get my meds and my car broke down..
(SPECIFIC) and I need $80 to fix it (SPECIFIC)...can you hep a veteran out with $5 dollars (MANAGEABLE)...man, can I get a dollar then (ADJUSTABLE)...God Bless you, man"(TIME-BASED)

IV. The Close
At the close of the transaction, the transient shall utter the words "God Bless You, man", then use the proceeds of the panhandling to purchase illicit substances that will keep him warm through the night. It is important to stay warm and get a good rest, for tomorrow he will have a long day of panhandling and crack consumption ahead of him.

Conclusion
Gentle reader, I pray that you have absorbed sufficient wisdom, and may you never again be without crack and 40s.

I've Actually Heard This Sound Before

This must be played with sound:



I think I like the Phillies more now.

Also, I totally stole this from Deadspin.

It's like AIDS & Ebola United in Cartoon Form

Seriously, it's worse than Marmaduke.

a sad day for the alumni of A103

http://archives.chicagotribune.com/2008/oct/20/business/chi-ap-millercoors-zima

DJ Bobby Duvall

First, let me express my first thought in hearing about Brett's new diet:
Second, let me say that I have mixed feelings about this, much like my mixed feelings about the "group" Girl Talk, DJ's, mash-ups, sampling, and everything in between. It makes me mad that vegetarians go around giving themselves titles, and even distinguish vegans. You're herbivores, that's what my dinosaur book tells me! I don't go around claiming to be a meatitarian. Jerks. BUT, it does require discipline, which I slightly respect.

Next I really like this Girl Talk guy/band, but I went from "rap samplings are lazy," to "but only when Diddy does it, not Jay-Z, Jay's cool," to "these mash-ups are entertaining parodies," to "ahh weezer and xtina annoys me," to "I hate techno," to "Not Daft Punk, they're cool, and LCD Soundsystem I guess, and well I guess not all electronic music is terrible," to "hmm i might buy a durkle shirt."

Anyway, my new Girl Talk hang up might be a phase like Vampire Weekend, but I can't deny A) that is takes some talent if not genius to do, and B) I really like it.

Maybe in our new post-blogue/series of tubes world we can develop all sorts of remixed improved ironic or straight up honest to goodness awesome amalgamations:

For instance my new take on Brett's diet drink of choice:

The STOLI & KIKKO
I just wish I coulda photoshopped in some cut up bits of a Slim Jim on a toothpick.

Or my new lyrical remixes, check it:

"Yo, you got a problem, Yo, Duvall'll solve it, check out the hook while Duvall's DJ revolves it."


Anyway, I submit Girl Talk's In Step for your approval (Play Your Part pt. 1 and Hold Up are also pretty legit).




I'm really impressed by the intro, and then something about Salt N' Pepa and Lithium strikes a seminal moment in my music video watching development (a wobbly old school beavis n butthead episode memories perhaps?), then surely Brett appreciates one of Luda's better flows (but in a fergie song?) and the funk distortion totally precludes the inferior proliferation of vocoder rap (I'm looking at you Mister akon), and the ending is just badass.

Also, for those not aware of my moonlighting for a gay KC Chiefs site, check it.

Update: Vegetarian Month

October 13th and vegetarian month is still going strong.  There have been moments where I may have felt weak, but I've stuck with it.    For example:  As most bachelors do, I love frozen pizzas.  in late September, as part of my normal grocery shopping I picked up a couple frozen pizzas, and this weekend I decided that a Red Baron frozen pizza would hit the spot:

Supreme (my favorite topping) of course, includes meat.  Specifically pepperoni and sausage.  As you may know, meat is the most taboo style of food for the vegetarian; even a temporary vegetarian.

Sticking to my commitment, I diligently removed all meat-type substances from said pizza.  I then prepared the pizza by cooking it in a conventional oven at 450 degrees Fahrenheit for 20 minutes.

It was quite tasty.  I subsequently ate the entire pizza while watching television that I had previously digitally recorded.  

*****Note: eating an entire pizza is not recommended and furthermore is the reason that i will likely not lose any weight by removing dead animals from my diet.

Goodbye, Chickenburgers!

Both of the regular readers of this blog know about our affinity for experiments that really make no sense, such as the experiment that we conducted during the month of April, 2008.

Well, just like Lewis and Clark, Niel Armstrong, Indiana Jones and Muhammad, I am embarking on a new Journey of Discovery.

I will not be eating any animal carcasses during the month of October, 2008.

That's right, I'm going to try on vegetarian-ism for a month.  No burgers, steaks, or chicken quesadillas.  No more turkey legs, fajitas, pork rinds, or ribs.  Not even livers or loins until after Halloween.  Don't even try offering me jalapeno cheddarwursts or bull testicles.

Why, you ask?  Well it began with a conversation I had with Jeff Jarrett, who is a vegetarian.  His birthday falls on September 30th and in planning his birthday activities I was struck with the realization of how limiting it is to be vegetarian.  I became curious, indeed.

It's like being Left-Handed, or short, or from Chile.  The world is not designed for vegetarians.  I had a brief snapshot that day of the plight of the vegetarian.  I decided that it will only enrich my life to look at the world through the lens of a vegetarian for one month.  I will keep the blogosphere up to date, of course.

I am also taking canned donations of refried beans or cream of mushroom soup.

Self-Defense Course - Lesson #2

Greetings, students.

I hope that last week's lesson has been properly digested, and perhaps even utilized against an assailant.

This week we shall progress to a technique that, while less deadly than the sonic boom, was perhaps the most important contribution to Martial Arts in the 1980s.

Lesson #2 - The Crane Kick

The Crane Kick was an offensive karate move employed by Daniel LaRusso to defeat Johnny Lawrence in the championship match of the 1984 All Valley Karate Tournament in Los Angeles, California. At the time, this was a stunning upset; Lawrence was the defending champ and star student of the Cobra Kai dojo, while LaRusso was fighting on one leg and 2 weeks of unorthodox karate training. During the early stages of the match, several karate pundits went so far as to suggest that LaRusso would be carried out afterwards in a bodybag. However, the potency of the Crane Kick ultimately prevailed.

As LaRussa's sensei (and resident wily Asian) Mr. Miyagi stated, "If done right, no can defend".

If the Crane Kick is done incorrectly, however, one will obtain dubious results. During my formative years I observed several classmates who, moments before a playground fight, would announce to their opponent that they knew karate, assume the threatening stance of the crane kick, and subsequently get their face/dignity smashed repeatedly into the pavement.

That is not our fate, grasshoppers.

Through studious examination, I have broken down the key characteristics of the Crane Kick*.


The Stance: As you an see, this is an unusual stance. The left leg is bent at the knee and raised about 2 feet in the air. The right leg is used for support and bent slightly. The arms are fully extended at an upward angle. The wrists are bent and the palms hang limply facing downward.

The Technique: As the opponent approaches, the crane kick practitioner leaps off his right leg, feints a kick with his left leg, and delivers a straight right kick, usually to the sternum. As this kick lands, the practitioner is using his left leg to land.

Now, ostensibly there are many flaws to this stance.

First, the left leg is raised off the ground, which makes it utterly useless for balance. In addition, you've taken away all the momentum for a knee or leg strike. It would be impossible to generate any significant power from the left leg being in that position. Furthermore, this stance severly inhibits mobility. Any sort of movement can only be done by short awkward hops on the right foot. What would have happened to LaRusso if John Lawrence had the presence of mind to circle him and attack from an angle? Also, defensively, the right leg is susceptible to a punishing leg kick, and lack of balance makes a takedown or sweep seem inevitable. There seem to be no benefits to having your left leg in that position. You've essentially made yourself a one-legged fighter.

Secondly, the arms are raised to the sides of the body, in order to compensate for the lack of balance in the legs. This makes delivering a hand or elbow strike almost impossible. Further, you are leaving yourself wide-open in terms of defense. It would be impossible to defend against any sort of strike to the head or mid-section.

Let's review here:
1. the crane kick stance leaves you wide open defensively to a strike or a takedown
2. the crane kick stance makes striking impossible with the hands or the left leg. You basically have one thing left, and that's a straight right kick, which will be fairly predictible to an opponent, since it's your only possible move.
3. the crane kick stance limits your balance and mobility. It is almost impossible to move, defend a takedown, circle your opponent, or anything else.

However, these weakness are swept away by one salient fact which we have thus far overlooked: you are banging your opponent's ex-girlfriend.



This is the most vital aspect of the Crane Kick. One should never, ever, under any circumstances, attempt a Crane Kick without first engaging in coitus with the opponent's ex-girlfriend.

Consumed with jealous rage, your Aryan opponent, eschewing years of training and experience, will inexplicably rush at you with his guard down, allowing you to kick him directly in the chops. If the kick is precise (as LaRusso's was), your opponent's chops will instantly bust, rendering him incapable of negative emotion; all hate will dissolve from him. Despite the fact that he has devoted his previous 2 months of existence to making your life utterly miserable, he will lift you on his shoulders and offer sincere encouragement and respect.

As you can see, this move is very effective, altering your adversary's emotional disposition as well as severely damaging his chops.






*note: I lifted this description from a former Myspace blog I wrote a year ago under my pseudo profile "Darryl Vidal". Despite an impressing showing in the preliminary rounds (which included the defeat of several Cobra Kai), Vidal was dispatched handily in the semifinals by Johnny Lawrence - setting up, of course, LaRusso's heroics in the final.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 8th wonder of the world The flow of the century..."

Self Defense Course - Lesson #1

As a gentleman currently residing in South City, I am forced to defend myself on a daily basis from the ruffians that infest my neighborhood.

Thus I have become quite proficient at the art of self-defense. I wish to impart my knowledge to you, helpless reader. I shall do so through a series of lessons. If you study diligently all of the lessons, you shall become a True Warrior (or at least on the same level as the great monkey fighter in Bloodsport).

In addition, you may wish to refer to my posting several months earlier on How to Kick a Spider's Ass.

Lesson #1 - The Sonic Boom

While facing your assailant, take four steps back. Your opponent, sensing weakness, will foolishly grow confident and let his guard down. However, at the end of the fourth step, you will move your hands forward at the speed of sound (761 mph - or possibly faster depending on your altitude). This creates a series of pressure waves. The waves will be forced together, or compressed, because they cannot "get out of the way" of each other, eventually merging into a single shock wave at the speed of sound (source: wikipedia).

This creates a potent discharge that will instantly render any adversary unconscious upon first contact. You may also take the pleasure of yelling "Sonic Boom!" as you whip your discharge at your hapless adversary.

If the adversary attempts to jump over the Sonic Boom, you can sweep them or perform a flash kick. (Helpful hint for beginners: to perform a flash kick, jump upwards at 500 mph and do a backflip whilst kicking your opponent in the face)

hapless ruffian faces a Sonic Boom as Friendly's patrons look on

I have used this move against many a ruffian and have found it quite effective... so effective, in fact, that the ruffian population of South St. Louis has decreased almost 13% over the past four months!

Booze + Goons = Sillyness

This was so funny at the time.  To the tune of Robot Rock by Daft Punk:

The Great Claw-Off!!

Well, this is an idea that Sarge and Kevin Connors came up with, but you can see that it's great.  Here are the rules:

The arena is the BigChoice Claw Machine at Friendly's.  It is $0.25 per play, quarters only.

Players take a set amount of money(we used $2.50) and compete alternately to win the prizes trapped within.  When the pre-determined amount of money is spent, the game is over and the player with the most prizes wins.  Pretty straightforward.

I'd prefer to not disclose the victor of Sarge and my contest for two reasons:

1. It was an exhibition game and therefore the results do not go onto our official stats
2. The winner won by capitalizing on their opponents' mistake and winning by unscrupulous means does not warrant public glory.

See you guys at the BigChoice Claw soon.  I'll take any challengers.

I May Be Losing It

For further studies in crazy.

Marchbox 20

Matchbox Twenty- How Far We've Come - The most amazing videos are a click away

Ian Enjoys "Party Ryes"

This picture will be in a museum someday.

Is Brett training to become an Iraqi POW?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3042907.stm

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

Also, I have no idea who wrote this. Yep, none whatsoever.

If You're not Sweaty You're not Ready

I'm working on Scientific Formula for Hipster

Its roughly the age you joined facebook (doubling the years after college if you joined after college) divided by your activity on the myspaces (a tricky figure still not defined) which should equal your hipster potential quotient or HPQ.

Whelp, I'm Sold

Tribute to A103

Just thinking back to college when four dudes lived together and every time a cell phone went off the apartment turned into a rave because we all had this as our ringtone:

...

I saw this commercial. I was amazed. Sorry I couldn't find any better quality video.



Completely screwed up. Ways to establish your cult membership.

Coolinairy Art-ists

Why are people more impressed if you make a quiche than if you make up a really cool new sandwich that tastes way better than an ordinary quiche?

If old people ask you how people will listen to gangsta rap on the oldies station, tell them "you put fornication out on the airwaves, you stop it!"

Middle aged people should be reminded that if they hadn't rotted their teeth and minds on frosted flakes and LSD we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with.*

I want to start a blog called better frats and gardens,** and it'll have advice like "gents, after grooming remember to clean up your hairs in the bathroom, ladies want to see the lion, not the spot where the circus just left town."

I decided I'm sick of hyperlinks, but I like google, so these are my two favorite things on the interwebs by their esoteric names, "prisoner Christmas," and "play ewok village."

More work should trade off sitting up and standing down.

I think its a problem that we pay police officers so little yet give them guns, so the only college educated people with guns are then gun nuts (great) hunters (they're locked up in mahogany and glass!) and like detectives (too busy smoking cigs, fighting the bottle, or just gettin grittier, to go the range). That's why professional athletes should [thinks about previous sentence] football players [thinks about U Miami] forget it. There was a punchline about getting closer to real superheros but that's ruined now.

I'm too lazy to golf.

If I ever own a company I'm going to have all my paychecks come inside Christmas cards. Re-gifting your Christmas bonus to a loved one would be like Russian Roulette.

What's going to happen when google finally reveals that everyone is reading the same dirty jokes and capable of wildly inappropriate thought and expressions?

Superfluous is a bad word because the 'super' is a total misnomer.

Same goes for supermarket.

Why is it okay to be ugly-ist or height-ist?

I feel like there are a lot of bacony type experiences that my lake of butchering skills has really held me back from experiencing.***

I'm starting a website called cluttery girls that don't smell, or have cats, or smoke, or have unusual candles or artistic picture montages somehow implying a suicidal tendency.

I might just shorten it to CGTDSOHCOSOHUCOAPMSIAST.com.

Wine is a lie, we all still know you like to drink.

*I don't know what this means either, but it does have the desired effect of making them sheepishly accept your argument

**Like Maxim or Stuff, but more ironically self-aware, like no Axe body spray ads or spreads on Dane Cook, but TAG and Daniel Tosh, spread it on!

*** You know what I mean.

Obscenity...

Does swearing make things funnier?

A case study in adding motherf*cker* to popular commercial slogans.

Just do it motherf*cker.

Yes, much better, and intimidatingly simple.

I'm lovin it motherf*cker.

Not bad, but try this...

Buduh-duhdaduh I'm lovin it motherf*cker.

Oh that's weird.

It's time to fly motherf*cker.

Good work United Airlines, I think this would be far more impactful than the PG version.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there motherf*cker.

Unless your Samuel L. Jackson, this goes in the no sense catagory.

You gotta eat motherf*cker.

Oddly accurate Rally's.

Blockbuster video, wow, what a difference motherf*cker.

Are you making fun of me Blockbuster?

Budweiser, king of beers motherf*cker.

Drunk St. Louisian.

Budweiser, king of motherf*ckers.

Drunk North County kid?

Can you hear me now motherf*cker?

By far the most improved.

Have it your way motherf*cker.

Again, strangely aggressive Burger King.

Dog's don't know its not bacon motherf*cker.

Hmmm

*If it's the only word I'm going to use I don't to scar young readers.

Sad or Funny? You Decide.

From my weekend in Chicago. Late on Saturday night outside of a bar. This had attracted a crowd of people who were doing the same thing I was doing: Taking pictures of this poor bastard.



Every day I pray that I don't make the decisions that lead me down this path.

The Videos I Watch Every Morning

In order to start my day off right, I watch the following two videos every morning:

The first is what I have to do to succeed. I must work harder than the giant Russian man who has a team of scientists helping him:



The second is one of the happiest I have ever seen a grown man. This is a video that Sauerwein and I watch together in order to remember what's important in life, and hope that someday (with hard work and determination) we can achieve this level of happiness:

Brett's cowboy songs

T-Shirt Idea Dump

Before those Snorg Jerks Steal all My Ideas:

Alpha !03: Digest with the Best

Daytime Drunk

Blu-Toof: Keepin It Real in the New Millenium

Stein Mart: Oddly Fitting, Itchy, Funny Stains

I was in JAWS

Juice-box Hero, Got Stars in His Eyes

This is My All Caps Dayglo Neon Words T-Shirt

Gothic Stencil Cathedrals, Not T-Shirts

Bowtie Cobain and the Whiny Neocons

Emails 4 Suckers

Ladies of Spain is on My Ipod Shuffle

Carson Daly: NEVER FORGIVE

KenTacoHut

"Birfday" -get over it white people

Chipotle, tasty & a good tracer food!

Frobidobly's

This is Not a Door

In my office building:

Another Friday Night

Seriously, I shouldn't post this. Especially if anyone here appreciates personal dignity. But since we don't...

"Juxtaposition" might best be defined as this post compared to the last.

Ian + Sarah 4ever

Pictured here is Ian with his main squeeze Sarah. The current PBR count is:

Ian: 21
Sarah: 2

Ian's skills in the bar may not necessarily be duplicated behind closed doors...

Now You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Talk to Yourself

Living in South St. Louis, I have seen my fair share of crazy people. People who talk to trees, scream at passing cars, and once I even saw a woman pushing a shopping cart down the street in her birthday suit.

These days my office is in Creve Couer and occasionally I believe I am seeing the same thing only the people are better dressed and drive nicer cars. I was wrong. They only appear to be crazy. It's technology, dude. Bluetooth.
Now I'm not opposed to hands free devices for cell phones; sometimes I use them myself. I'm only reacting to my experience this morning when I hadn't yet finished my morning cup of joe and I saw a woman walking through the parking lot telling herself jokes and cackling to herself.

I immediately thought that she was insane until I got closer and saw the motorola razr strapped to her belt. So I guess now it's acceptable to look like you're talking to yourself/act like you belong in a nuthouse. and I'm okay with that.

Baseball Needs To Take the Japs Out!!!

Alright look, this is going to sound terrible to some of you. This may be pretty uncool of me to say. There are few things in this world i like/take as seriously as baseball. With this said, something has got to be done about the FUCKING JAPANESE and the all star voting. Their technologically advanced advanced culture and what seems to be an overall tenacious patriotism is threatening to ruin the lovely spectacle that is the All Star Game. An outfielder of Japanese blood is starting the game this year. Kosuke Fukodome plays for the Chicago Cubs. This piece of shit is hitting .279 with 7 hrs and 36 rbis. This ranks him not even in the top 100 outfielders in the Majors. He is on pace to strike out 130 times. Since there is no way to stop or limit the voting that comes in from Japan, the only answer is to take the voting away from the fan. Let's face it, most fans don't really know that much about baseball anyways. The vote should be a player/coach vote. Who knows more about baseball than them? If the game is going to count for anything (home field advantage in the biggest series of the fucking year) you can't have a bunch of sake swilling yayhoos putting their son in the game when you know goddamn well he doesn't deserve it. Hell, i guarantee those bastards know he doesn't deserve it too. If its up to the fans, it has to be a pure exhibition without any consequences. I put it to you Mr. Selig, stop this madness.

Adventures in Late-Night Meals

I'm a reasonably healthy dude, with a moderately healthy diet. Even during desperate moments I like to think that I can make good decisions about what I consume.

I am especially proud of my choice last night. Terry and I, after the Home Run Derby decided to get a snack. We went to the local 7-11:


View Larger Map

After perusing their selection, we came across what turned out to be the best decision we made of the evening: Lunchables.



They were delicious. Terry enjoyed their flavor so much that he quickly munched through two of the larger sized packages.







Since I'm unselfish, I would like to share with the world the deliciousness and convenience that Lunchables provide. Please consider Lunchables for your next snack or afternoon treat.

Hopefully Extra-Terrestrials Don't Have Access to YouTube

So this is what humanity has come to. I guess I would call this "awesome"-- as a matter of fact I think it's one of the most amazing things I have ever seen-- but it is also a very sobering thought to think that to some, this may be a representation of what I am: American, musician/artist, internet user, and human/earthling.

Once Dolphins learn how to use a keyboard and mouse (an inevitability), I predict that they will see videos like this one and realize that they should have taken over a long time ago.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Ms. Peachez.



It takes all kinds of people to make a world.

with a little help from my friends

http://youtube.com/watch?v=T4_MsrsKzMM

For all the real players... from St. Louis to Edwardsville

MGM gives Fraser 1-way ticket to the center of the earth

"Go long, Brendan! . . . keep going . . ."

The other day I went to the theater to see Ironman, but I couldn't see it because Fraser was there promoting his new movie. It was 95 degrees and he was wearing a leather jacket (and no, that's not my phone he's taking a picture of himself with).

People actually paid 50 bucks a pop to see the movie with Fraser. Hopefully on the journey to the earth's core, they passed copies of Fraser's old films

Morrow Enjoys America's First Lager

Aaron Morrow at Friendly's Bar and Grill imbibing a delicious Lemp beer.

Dear Best Fans in Baseball,

SUCK IT OFF THE FLOOR.

I'm the BROOM king!

Blog Hijacker Murphy, Restrictive New Job

That's all I'll say for now, Murph. Don't think you can come into CB&B and act like the Royals are the cat's meow and pretend like it's your personal forum! This means war, and once Pujols gets better, I'll give you a piece of my mind!

On a related note, I have been having trouble getting back to blogging because of the new job. Primarily because it has sucked away all my time by keeping me busy and developing mild alcoholism (happy hour ism?) to deal with the stress.

But also because it is hard to not mention what I do at my new job or where I work. I have been told explicitly NOT to blog about my job whatsoever. And my involvement with a certain company (starts with a 'G') makes it difficult to blog anything that won't get picked up.

But let's just say that since my last post, I now know more about internet search and search engines than most people you know.

More blogging to come.

Purely Visual, Not Political

me: it doesn't really help McCain's creepy smile that the Dark Knight is coming out this summer

Sent at 11:10 PM on Wednesday

Jim: hes got nerve damage man

me: so did the joker

shit

heath ledger is DEAD

Sent at 11:20 PM on Wednesday

me: that joke on the daily show/colbert in 2.5/3 months

Donald Trump

Found my new favorite toy.

Lauren Winchester uses a ruler to put on her boots

It might be the coolest thing I've ever heard of. And it's especially cool because she's not ashamed of it at all.

Hit me on my burner prepaid wireless

In college my parents had no interest in helping me out with a cell phone, especially since they had not accepted the technology themselves. So for purposes of survival I was forced into the prepaid wireless cell phone ripoff.

It looked a little like this piece of futuristic technological magic, but without the fancy side grips:

"What's that? No dude. Who uses livewire anymore? I've got KaZaa."

Anyway, I always felt some shame at not having a "real" cell phone (somehow the fact that it was like $5 to check my voicemail didn't bother me as much). It also lacked the street cred of a pager, which, while infinitely more gangsta, was totally impractical as pay phones had just jumped to 34 cents, and it's not like calling a bunch of long distance cell phone numbers was practical on a pay phone anyway.

But, now, in 2008, the prepaid wireless finally get's its just desserts as a instrument of drug dealing owned solely by violent immigrant drug dealers and terrorists.



Yeh, a bricolage* of Sri Lankan world beat, the Streets, some Clash sampling, the style of 2 Live Crew, and finally my Motorola $20 a month minimum get's some well earned 'thuglife' points.

Most of this is just a warm up to the hum-dinger.

*Entertaining AND Educational, its Infotainment!

**The Beastie Boys are not cool, they had that Sabotage video, and that's it, seriously, not cool.

A Youtube for Shane...

A catchy but perplexing youtube for C.B.&B.'s local expert on all things awesome and Rolling Stonsey:



On the off chance that you did not enjoy those delightful strains, I'll make up for it with a guaranteed slam dunk for everyone, EVERYONE. Now pay attention to the video as well...

"I don't want. your. life."

Back From Hiatus

hello all.

I've been MIA for a while, but I'm happy to report that I have returned. I will soon be posting accounts of my travels to Louisville, KY, Dallas, TX, my love affair with the B52's, new employment, Big Buck Hunter: Safari, and several other topics.

In the meantime if anyone needs some beans, Kyle and I have an abundance. Somehow we miscalculated and over-bought beans of several varieties. Green beans, baked beans, refried beans, pork & beans... whatever your bean is, we have a surplus.

We must have mistakenly thought that we were running low on beans and bought more without knowing that our stores had already been replenished! What a blunder!!

Go, Nationals?

Yep, still don't have my computer back yet.

Further proof that drugs are bad for your body...

I submit for your viewing pleasure, "The Greatest Rap Battle Ever."

I also ponder, why didn't I go to a high school this cool?

PSS - I didn't properly post my last video clip, which is of the new Justice video.

Derby Notes

Well, after three days and nights of stimulating a 9" rise into the the proverbial fly of the Louisville, KY economy, my friends and I have returned home. I'm not sure if anything valuable was learned on this trip or not. Oh wait, there was one thing. Black eyes are awesome. I look like this dude.

Black eyes and slap fights in busy bars are pretty much the funniest things ever. That and telling every Cubs fan you see that you think their squad is garbage. I only got one good response. It was, "Go fuck yourself!" It was the only answer that I respected all day. Most of those losers were like, "Yeah. I know. This may be our year though. Soriano's hurt now. Just wait til he gets back." I was begging a Cubs fan to hit me in the face all day long. Turns out I had to settle for a stiff right jab from one Michael Patrick Dolan. I will be paying dearly karma-wise for the rest of the year for many of my actions/words in bars around Louisville. For the most part though, I think i was tipping enough to maybe balance it out a bit.

Apparently a horse died in the derby race. I found out about this the next day as I didn't see a single horse all day on Saturday. Not even an image of a horse on a screen. That's how cool the KY Derby is. The horses are a complete afterthought to the debauchery and comaraderie shared by my friends, myself, and anyone with the good sense to not wear a Cubs shirt to a big event. Use it, abuse it, put it away wet, get it out again tomorrow. Getchu some! Get after it! Do somethin with it!

You want to party?

Let's party.

[NOTE: I really want one of those black fold up baton things.]

Death to the Dry Cleaners, Free Wrinkles for All!

That's the title of my new album.

I spilt a beverage on my laptop and now it doesn't go. Hence, my study procrastination postings have been slowing down. Finals on borrowed laptop, super. I'd also like to apologize for my last two posts, they were sexist and not very funny. I promise to make up for it after Thursday, schools out and I have a real hum-dinger I've been storing up. Yes, a, hum, dinger.

Ir-regardless, I thought I'd throw up this piece o' google videography:

(A little premise, Will Leitch is emo-y kid from St. Louis that writes Deadspin.com, which if you have even an effiminate homosexual's interest in sports, and have visited the interweb's series of tubes, you should be familar with him. Big Daddy Drew is one of the chief writers of Kissing Suzy Kolber, which is where I like to steal all of my obscene joke ideas from.)



There is some reaction here and here, but does the crazy old man representing a dying medium have a point? What's going to happen when dick and fart jokes take over mainstream media? Will it become socially acceptable to drop F-bombs within earshot of a little league game, forever ridding college kids of the self-reflective shame of their everyday vocabulary? Will kids in the future have to develop cool new swear words we haven't even thought of? Will the suffix "-kakke" eventually become socially acceptable despite it's sick, sick, and very wrong origin (see, less sexist)?

Will anyone know how to fix my laptop?

Will Blogger let me use a Helvetica font someday?

Will the rest of world join with me against Dry Cleaning's opression?

Newest documentary brings joy to Scorsese, criticism from others

Yesterday, Martin Scorsese released his third rock & roll documentary, entitled “Going away to Spain: the Jane’s Addiction story.” The film treks through all 23 rocky years of the band’s existence in painstaking detail. Perry Farrell laments “man, there were a lot of highs, I mean a lot of highs, but there was also a lot of lows . . . all I can say was Martin was fair. He realized that life sometimes can be so flowers and sausages.”

Asked why the documentary was eight hours long, Scorsese said, “Jane’s Addiction was the quintessential band of this generation. Quintessential. They took the torch from Bowie and just ran with it, all the way to spain. Okay that joke was kinda gay. You’re gonna edit that out, right?” At the release, Scorsese was particularly ecstatic. “You, know, this completes my trilogy. I feel like freaking Peter Jackson. This is my Mount Rushmore. Wait, were their four heads or just three?”

While initially the film brought cheers, the crowd grew agitated after hour two. One angry fan said, “What a fucking joke. Hours 2-6 were just Scorcese playing guitar hero in some basement with Stephan Perkens passed out on the couch.”

Asked if in his old age, he was just living out childhood fantasies, Scorcese responded, “Go fuck yourself! You know whose in my five: Dylan, Richards, Jaggar, Farrell, and the guy whose gonna kick your ass! Yeah, that's right: attitude. Richards taught me that back in the 60's when we were on tour.” Scorcese then proceeded to give a round of high fives to the boys, bumbling down the street, ever now and then taking pit stops to play his air guitar.

Metallica, Day 28: The Home Stretch

Check out my boys from Metallica. Look how cool they are. How fearlessly they command the snakes. Notice the hair, the shades, the attitude. Perfect role models, real men.

Actually I feel like I've had a boa constrictor around my head for the past twenty-something days.

I'm a pretty laid back dude. I usually keep everything optimistic. There's not a whole lot that bothers me. But if I have to hear one more double-bass kick drum solo or another one of The Field's guttural howls, I'm going to to jump through a window and strangle the next woman or child that I see. I feel the frustrations of a thousand Gary Colemans.

Don't get me wrong: there's been plenty of times when tunes like "Carpe Diem Baby" got my motor runnin on the way to work, or times when I'd catch myself humming the chorus to "Low Man's Lyric." I'm not saying that it's altogether bad, but I'm at my wit's end. Here are a few morsels to attempt to give you, the reader, an insight to my April 2008:

1. I haven't had road rage since July 2000. Late last week a gentleman in a Buick Le Sabre cut me off and almost creamed into a young woman in her Mercury Milan. Without thinking, I sped up and got alongside the offender's vehicle and sounded the horn for a full 11 seconds. In hindsight, I would say that my actions were 92% influenced by the fact that "Don't Tread on Me" was playing.


2. My use of racial slurs is up by 4% this month. This follows a nineteen month streak of a consistent decline. I have no explanation for this phenomenon other than my increase in Metallica intake.


3. Due to the clause in our agreement in which we can listen to music that is out of our control, I have found myself out in public more often than I should be -- Just to enjoy music. If anyone needs a list of the restaurants/bars/establishments/ice cream parlors/car washes that have the best music in town, let me know. I can produce a list in a matter of seconds.


4. In addition to #3, I consistently over-react to non-Metallica tunes. For instance, Thursday Kyle and I were in a department store and Seal's "Kissed by a Rose" came on the house music and we were elated; high fives were exchanged. A week or two back I was dancing fervently (in public, by myself) to "I Saw the Sign," as performed by Ace of Base. I can also clearly remember weeping softly to Elton John's "Don't let the Sun Go Down on Me" while enjoying a quesadilla at the neighborhood Applebee's.


5. I am angrier. But it's different than I would have thought. I assume that many people would expect the same kind of anger that I did: the outward, caustic anger that is embodied on Metallica records that is a not-too-subtle backlash against society, upbringing, the common man, and kittens. (Metallica's eighth -- and probably worst -- studio album St. Anger comes to mind. See related video below. barf). Rather, it is bottled anger that weighs on my soul and is like a bowling ball chained to the ankle of my psyche. I'm sure that with enough time on a Metallica-only musical diet, someday I will be in my daily routine, making a phat beat or calling a customer service department to thank them for doing a wonderful job, and suddenly my mind will cleave and a disgusting, alternative personality will emerge, screaming about how I hate tacos and stuffed animals, making crude gestures while dressed like a nun, and with breath reeking of soft pretzels and frozen burritos. This Edward Hyde-esque character will also certainly be Polish.

Almost to the end....

Metallica Experiment Day 27

some thoughts from friday's review session

i was forced to endure yet another law school review session, this time for constitutional law. review sessions are great because everyone freaks out, even though only the dumb/lazy people have reason to. Luckily, it gave me some time to think

First, i was wondering about the status of the rain forest. Is it gone, half gone? what's its status? I remember seeing something as a kid that said that they would all be gone by 2020 and no one would care. Were these people liars or just really, really prophetic?

Next, I was trying to pinpoint the death of rap. i haven't liked a new rap song in at least a year. Surely, someone is to blame, and I'm pretty sure it's fat joe. Maybe, Kyle S. could bring rap's renaissance by killing fat joe, both lyrically and literally



I also realized that I have quoted the Big Lebowski way more in my life than the bible. it then occurred to me how similar Jesus and the dude were. They both wore sandals, had long hair, and relied on the handouts from other people. So now I don't feel so bad


a final thought: maybe life is so flowers and sausages

Sodomize Intolerance...

I thought about getting political, and then I decided C.B. & B. was above that.

My only disclaimer: before viewing this I admit to reading NME on a regular basis and kinda liking Barack Obama a lot.



That's not getting political, that's just getting hilarious.

Youtube, watching Judd Apatow movies so dickherber doesn't have to.

From the Infant Sorrow Myspace page:

Influences	The Stones The Beatles Led Zepplin NIN Oasis The Police
Sounds Like	Nobody Else

That movie has to totally suck, but I will celebrate their totally gay jabs at things I sorta like(d).

A Note from Our Sponsors

Er, my, desired sponsors, enablers, whatever you'd like to call them...

I was thinking man, with this blog we offer not only the growing future value of "blog placement," but with that would come automatic "real-world product placement," which in turn would nourish our interweb popularity and soon feed off our "celebrity product placement," which, is why, I, as a fan of the beverage known as a "greyhound" (1 part vodka, 1 part grapefruit juice, and season to taste), am making this, ONE TIME, NON-REFUNDABLE, merit-based offer to take on the follow two Corporate Sponsors:


Snow Queen Premium Kazakhstani Vodka


Natalie's Orchard Grapefruit Juice (We apologize for only the OJ label, rest assured, Trader Joe's has the Grapefruit variety, Bert).

This is provided of course that both sponsors provide supplies and preferably extensive funds for numerous blog-type adventures. This could easily include logo'd helmets, gun range equipment, foam battle equipment, undergarments, socks and throwaway t-shirts, and possibly private planes.

This is a one time offer.

"It's not sellin out if you're buyin in"

The Only Good Harp Comes in a Pint Glass

That last post is truly amazing. Two things that suck coming together to be a true suck juggernaut. Harps are terrible...Hetfield is worse than Scott Stapp and Kid Rock combined. I would rather listen to Scott Stapp talk for hours about his workout routine than listen to any song from the Black Album ever again. Sorry Brett. I still love you and feel your pain. Hell, I'll go to the Harp fiasco thing with you if you want. This reminds me; I heard on the radio last night that there is a Bach performance just 4 days too late. Right here in our fair city and at the beautiful Basilica. Sauerwein will have by this time devolved back into his knuckle dragging thrice daily jerk off routine.

I went to two baseball games last week and had pretty good seats to both. I have a friend who got a job at the ballpark this offseason. He is a manager for Sportservice and he is a really nice guy who can hand out this unreal free beer/food comp ticket. It's pretty ridiculous when a dude like me can take some unsuspecting female to a baseball game with free tickets and then dump a bunch of free budlight! down her gullet on top of some nice tubed meats and pretzels and peanuts and the like. But is this good enough for me? No. I still have something to complain about. Can't those bastards get a descent brand of mustard for my dog/brat up in that mother!? They stock Heinz yellow mustard, or as I like to call it, yellow garbage soup. St. Louis is a town full of German tradition and heritage. Some of the best sausages in the country are made here. How about a nice brown mustard to compliment these delicacies for those of us who aren't 12 years old or a Supertaster.

I just learned about Harptallica and lost control of my bodily functions

HARPTALLICA: A legitimate project where two Harp players play arrangements of Metallica songs




This rules. My head just exploded. Metallica with Harps!! This is unprecidented and uncanny. This turns the whole experiment on its head. Let me explain:

If you're just joining the blog, you may not have read back on previous posts to know about our experiment, in which -- during the month of April 2008 -- Kyle and I listen to exclusively J.S. Bach and Metallica, respectively. Part of the reason that we picked these composers was that we believed that Bach and Metallica represented opposite ends of the musical (and therefore cultural) spectrum.

Johann Sebastian Bach is a composer who composed during the Baroque Period. The Harp, although it was around in some form for centuries before, played a key role in the Baroque period. So much so that one of the most famous types of Harps is known as the Baroque Harp!!

Therefore, Harptallica successfully bridges the gap between J.S. Bach and Metallica in one step! Incredible. It's almost like Metallica covering a bach song (almost). Apparently Kyle and I are way smarter than even we think.

If that wasn't enough, Harptallica is coming to town! To Vintage Vinyl here in St. Louis! Something is at work here. Something supernatural; divine. The icing on the cake is the date that Harptallica will be here:

April 30th, the last day of our experiment.

I leave you with the press release from Vintage Vinyl webpage:

Harptallica
April 30 5:00 PM

"Harp 'Em All" when
Harptallica plays at Vintage Vinyl on April 30th

What innocently started as a graduate school project has now formed into a real deal band as Harptallica has moved the show from halls of academia to the dives of the rock club circuit. With their MM degrees in hand from the Eastman School of Music,
the mighty harp duo of Ashley Toman and Patricia Kline are Harptallica and are on the road promoting their latest CD "Harptallica - A Tribute". The group doesn't just play the cuts from the Metallica songbook, they attack them. Catch a free taste of Harptallica when they perform at Vintage Vinyl on April 30th at 5:00PM, get a full set that night when they rock it across the street at the Red Sea's The Underground.

ready to get cracked out on caffeine

this year I took a new approach to preparing for finals. for the past two months I haven't had a single drop of caffeine. usually at this point in the semester, the only thing coffee does for me is stain my teeth. but tommorrow, it'll be me, a pot of coffee, and my text on wills, trusts, and estates. I will be cracked out of mind. My hands will shake, my stomach grumble, and I will probably snap at some unsuspecting fool whose not down with spendthrift clauses. But it will be worth it, as I'll cover a bullshit class in about five hours. Intectually, it'll be my mardi gras

Oops!

I forgot to ask, who wants to bet on the Cubs/Cards series this year? After the Cubs won the overall series last year, Lucas Maxwell had to wear a dress in Chicago at my birthday party and fend "pinchy fingers." Any takers?

Thanks, Tennessee.

TJoe, at least that Cubs fan was drinking Oldstyle all day, wearing sunglasses, and having fun with a Sharpie marker - things I still enjoy doing today. How do you explain me having to look at this disgusting human being every time ESPN talks about Tennessee basketball?

one for the new kid

An Indie Album Made Entirely of Royals Trivia

Title: PECOTA

Artist: THE Royals

1. Saberhagen's Mustache (3:04)

2. The Pine Tar Forest (2:27)

3. Hammer'n Hamlin and The Next Babe Ruth (5:08)

4. What the Bow Knows (2:33)

5. Quisenberries in the North Atlantic (2:04)

6. Zie Tri Eisenreich (4:47)

7. Yankee Farm Systems (1:57)

8. One Nine Eight Five (19:85)

9. The Goose The Gossage & The Four (3:29)

10. Tartabull's Rage (7:23)

11. Sal Fasano (2:12)

12. Mullet Head (10:82)


(Ed.s Note: The hidden track on "Mullet Head" is entitled "Storm Davis")

Brett's Previous Life

I was unaware that Brett was actually a re-incarnated 1970s soccer player from New Zealand.

Or, is this possibly a picture form the half-marathon?

**Update for Murphy: I think the dude on the right looks just like Ramsey. And I think you could make an argument that if you let yourself go a bit, you sort of resemble the dude in the yellow (minus bulging thigh muscle).**

my scarlett johansson fixation just went from bad to worse

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/19830818/page/24

National Record Store Day

This Saturday is National Record Store Day. According to the web site, "On this day, all of these stores will simultaneously link and act as one with the purpose of celebrating the culture and unique place that they occupy both in their local communities and nationally."

Vintage Vinyl is having a party and so is Euclid Records. (by the way, Vintage Vinyl is offering a tax holiday for the whole day. Interested parties should head down there and pick up Periodic Fable by The Hibernauts, without having to pay Uncle Sam! ...andfreebeertoo... Splendid!!)*

Anywho, I am delighted to mention that on the national level, the band that is kicking off the National Record store day is METALLICA.

The following is an excerpt from the press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST COMMUNIQUE: METALLICA CONFIRM IN-STORE SIGNING AT RASPUTIN MUSIC IN CELEBRATION OF RECORD STORE DAY March, 14, 2008:

Austin, TX: While here at this SxSW 2008, organizers of RECORD STORE DAY in conjunction with Warner Bros. Records are pleased to announce that Metallica will officially launch Record Store Day on Saturday, April 19th, with an in-store signing and fan meet and greet at Rasputin Music’s Mountain View store near San Francisco, California (www.rasputinmusic.com). The event, the band’s first in-store appearance in nearly a decade, will also celebrate the 180 gram vinyl re-release of the band’s classic albums "Kill ‘Em All" and "Ride The Lightning" on April 15th.

Johann Sebastian Bach could not be reached for comment. A member of the associated press mentioned that J.S. Bach hasn't done anything for the community in years, and was very confident that his album sales have been lower than Metallica's.

Um... not sure what the score is, but I think I'm winning.



*Sorry about the shameless self-plug. I feel like such a whore.

Thanks for the Opporotunity.

Thanks to my old pals Brett and Kyle for inviting me to this orgy of humor and insight. I guess maybe its more of a gangbang. The other day I was eating at a thai restaurant and there was a dish simply titled 'gang' (red or green). Now, this dish as explained to me by the waitress, was a curry dish (thus the red or green option). But in my mind, nearly everything can be tied in to a bang of some kind be it gang or otherwise. So I get to thinking; red=American Indians, green=Martians. Then I get to thinking would i rather be nailed by a gang of Indians or a gang of Martians. I eventually decide on Indians because I have some kind of idea of their stature and their docile nature. After all, they do have something called a peace pipe. With those Martians, you have no idea at all what their game is, what they're bringing to the table (I imagine some kind of pants sheathed light sabre), or if youre playing a home or road game. So I personally will take Indians as long as i haven't been duped into pleasuring the Cleveland Indians baseball club. That Travis_Hafner looks not so gentle. I would also like to congratulate Brendan and his cross-state Royals and their hot start.

Hello, friends.

I want to thank Brett Ramsey for inviting me to the blog. I'll try to provide some wit and socially astute criticism. However, as I'm extremely hungover today this will probably not happen until later.

I would like to share that I put on Ricky Martin in a Polish bar yesterday. I don't understand why I was the only one dancing. :(

CB&B: on the decline?

it's been a week and nobody has commented on the release of Street Kings. hopefully, this is just an oversight and not a sign of things to come

in other news, I'm convinced the avett brothers are this years Old Crow
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QbK761CKLEI

I love Ace of Base

There. I said it.

Get over it.

Cancellation of Saw mini-series raises questions about CBS's commitment to morbidity

In move a described as "mainly political," CBS gave the quick hook to its "Saw" mini-series after only a single episode. CBS executive Ray Romano said the public backlash was just too much to overcome. Romano admitted that even he had to look away during certain moments of carnage. "I hadn't witnessed such tortuous, incessent needling since my last episode with that bitch Doris Roberts." Romano said he was initially intrigued by the mini-series for unorthodox reasons. "The series required casting a lot of lame-ducks, just a bunch of pathetic losers whose only real skill is dying in a painful, but intriguing way. The cast of Big Brother 2 was perferct, and were given the parts as part of their severance packages, which for some reason we hadn't paid them."

The Saw creators weren't shocked by the news. "We thought Dexter was the bridge we needed to get to the mainstream, but I guess the worlds just not yet ready. At heart, we knew we were destined for Spike TV."

Romano fears the cancellation will have a backlash of its own, as viewers will question its commitment to artistically portraying death, hopelessness, ruined childhoods, and molestation. "The people need to trust us. Our commitment to morbidity has never been stronger. Just this week we're airing new episodes of Criminals Minds, Cold Case, CSI: NY, CSI: Miami, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 48 Hours Mystery, Cane, Jericho, Without a Trace, the Ghost Whisperer, NCIS, and 60 minutes with Mike Wallace, whose technically a ghost. The people really have nothing to fear, besides eventually dying and maybe molestation."

Bach: Day 12

I work out on Saturday mornings at my school's Fitness Center. I lift weights, do some light jogging, shoot free throws, sit in the sauna (provided there aren't creepy naked old men already occupying it), and swim.

I always swim. It is the most relaxing, and probably best part of my week. Usually I swim one lap in a sort of sloppy, desperate breast-stroke (picture a drunken Ted Kennedy swimming out of Poucha Pond), and then float on my back for the next lap, kicking my legs and thinking happy thoughts.

Today I am floating along with my head halfway immersed in the water, gazing up at the ceiling and ruminating on things like Girl Scout cookies and Panda Bears and snowmen. Happy thoughts. It is peaceful. Life is beautiful.

The radio is on. Although my ears are submerged, through the water I hear an eerily familiar guitar arpeggio. No, no, it can't be. I don't want to face reality, but I must. I must.

I raise my head out of the water in time to hear James Hetfield growl his fatuous lyrics:

darkness imprisoning me
all that I see
absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
trapped in myself
body my holding cell

I am utterly disoriented as the music of Metallica thrashes both my eardrums and my soul. I lose all sense of bearing and crack my head on the edge of the swimming pool. It hurts.

Somewhere Brett Ramsey is laughing.