The Idiot's Guide to Panhandling

In these times of great economic woe it is important that we continue to better ourselves. While many analysts have focused on macro-issues such as tight credit markets and housing bubbles, it is equally important for the average American to focus on more personal issues that soon will be affecting all of our lives . Perhaps our local crack dealer will no longer allow us to purchase on credit. There are times that we may find ourselves a few cents short of that 40 ouncer that we so dearly crave. In that moment, it is essential to be educated in a vital subject that is sometimes lost in the U.S. educational mishmash of mathematics, rhetoric, scientific theory, and Western Thought. The subject I am referring to is panhandling. A lost art for some; for others, the lone way to get that precious hit of crack into their brain.

I am an expert in panhandling. Although I have held a job for nearly two consecutive years and generally earn my scratch by a unique method known as "labor", I work in downtown St. Louis and have had my pans successfully handled over 300 times, at a success rate of nearly 80%. It is estimated that I have indirectly financed over 47 crack purchases, 78 cases of public intoxication, and 83 strip club dalliances. By my own records, I have provided venture capital for over 56 journeys to "get dat medication for my sick fathers after I lose my wallet man...heppa a veteran out mans".

In these times of recession, I am to the St. Louis crackhead what the United States Government is to Bear Stearns and Fannie Mae.

Therefore I am well-versed in the art of panhandling, and as always, I shall impart that knowledge to you, fair reader.

I. The Greeting
It is important for a panhandler to never play his hand too early. "Hey man, cans I gets some money?" will not be as effective as "hey mans, lemme talk to ya a sec". It is vital to establish an angle between your position and your target's destination. By accurately gauging the length and speed of your potential benefactor's stride, you can estimate the exact area to cut him/her off. This is necessary to move on to Step 2, known as The Stop.

II. The Stop
The Stop is the most vital step in our process. It is estimated that 85% of panhandling attempts are lost by a failure to stop the target, and for good reason. A target that has been stopped is at a great psychological disadvantage. It is very easy to ignore/turn down someone from a distance whilst moving. By stopping your target, you have forced a more personal, face-to-face confrontation. As the great hustler/vagabond Muhammad Willie Boy Poondini once said, "you has gots to stop dat peripatetic pedestrian...hey, you gots a nickel, man?"

A successful stop hinges on lightning quick estimations of speed, angles, wind direction, and stride. It is important not to overshoot and put yourself in the direct path of the target, for it will create fear and suspicion. The target should ideally be met at a shoulder-to-shoulder angle. The inside foot should act as a subtle barrier between your target and his destination. The hands shall be open, implying warmth and friendliness. The breath should be rank, implying need.

Remember, fellow transients: when dealing with crowds, it is important to identify and isolate the weak member of the herd, much like a lion in the African safari. Do not be deluded with visions of glory. As with most predatory ventures, take good care to focus on the weak.

Once he has his target successfully stopped, a savvy panhandler will quickly launch into his "Rap", which is Step 3.

III. The Rap
I have broken down the principles of an effective rap through an easy-to-remember acronym: the SMART principle; meaning specifically:

Specific - a panhandler must be specific with his sob story. It is also essential to name a specific monetary goal for the target to contribute to.
Manageable - a panhandler will make more money asking for $2 than he will asking for $25.
Adjustable - a panhandler must be able to adjust his financial goals based on his target's reaction to the Rap.
Realistic - exactly the same as manageable, but is used because SMART principle sounds better that SMAT principle
Time-Based - the panhandler has but a few precious moments to convey multiple tales of woe, all which can conveniently be allayed by the target's donation. To ensure proper speed the panhandler should cast aside all conventions of grammar and syntax.

INCORRECT: "Pardon me sir, but might I trouble you for some United States currency? My wallet has been stolen and I need to make a journey to purchase the proper medication for my heart ailment. By the way, I am a veteran of the United States Marine Corps, having served two tours of duty in Korea"

CORRECT: "Hep me out man, I needs some change, some bills, some boy stole my wallet an I needs to gets my meds for my bad heart yo...hep a veteran man"

Below is a well-crafted rap with specific SMART principles in parenthesis:

"hey mans, hows you doing...lemme talka ya a sec...man, I gots to go get my meds and my car broke down..
(SPECIFIC) and I need $80 to fix it (SPECIFIC)...can you hep a veteran out with $5 dollars (MANAGEABLE)...man, can I get a dollar then (ADJUSTABLE)...God Bless you, man"(TIME-BASED)

IV. The Close
At the close of the transaction, the transient shall utter the words "God Bless You, man", then use the proceeds of the panhandling to purchase illicit substances that will keep him warm through the night. It is important to stay warm and get a good rest, for tomorrow he will have a long day of panhandling and crack consumption ahead of him.

Conclusion
Gentle reader, I pray that you have absorbed sufficient wisdom, and may you never again be without crack and 40s.