Fly Debate - Tsetse Fly vs. Fruit Fly

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It's the classic debate. Beatles vs. Stones. Blondes vs. Brunettes. Mantle vs. Mays. Tits vs. Ass. Transvestites vs. Cross-Dressers. Roe vs. Wade.

And now, I have discovered another: Tsetse Flies Vs. Fruit Flies.

These age-old questions are impeccable methods in defining a person's character (it's also much more convenient than actually talking to them). For example, I've always been a tsetse fly man. It's such an integral part of my personality that my friends, when describing me to a stranger, will say something like "Kyle. Dark hair. Medium height. Kind of a dork. LOVES tsetse flies". And know this: I would never, EVER, date a girl who preferred fruit flies. It's not that I hate fruit-fly lovers (to each their own, I say) but some classes of people just don't belong together. I ask you this: would you want your daughter to marry one?

This very afternoon, I posed the question to a group of people via text-message on my cellular telephone:

Poll Question: Do you prefer fruit flies or tsetse flies?

The answers came pouring in immediately. It became apparent that I'd struck a rich, untapped vein of the American consciousness - captured the zeitgeist, if you will. People were adamant about their preference. Some examples:

"Fruit flies...no question" - Jason T.

"My slogan: f-- fruit flies" - Tanya B.

"I despise fruit flies" - Christin K.

"Are you drunk?" - Girl From Nashville

Others seemed to be confused/frightened with the question, as exemplified by Nathan S. of St. Louis, who contemplated for two hours before responding "umm wtf???". Understandable, though - it must be daunting to be suddenly confronted with a single question that characterizes the very essence of your being.

As the data came in, certain trends emerged. Fruit flies quickly jumped into the lead, but later turnout brought tsetse flies right back into contention. An hour into the voting, the race was still wide open. When the dust finally settled, the tsetse fly was the clear winner with 8 votes, while the fruit fly limped into second with 5 votes. There were also several write-in votes, which will be discussed later.

28 people were polled in full. 25 were polled via text-message, with 3 persons being polled face-to-face (my father, while shaving, gave the write-in vote of "what the fuck you talking about, boy?")

Gender breakdown: 10 respondents were male, while 6 were female. The conclusion? Chicks think I'm weird.

One interesting trend: the women that did respond preferred tsetse flies by a margin of 5 to 1. I have a theory on this. According to Wikipedia: "Tsetse also have a long proboscis which extends directly forward and is attached by a distinct bulb to the bottom of their head." In other words, it's definitely a phallic thing. Women love phalluses.

"Tsetse...hands down" - Kate C.

Something to remember next time you're at the bar, gentlemen. I'm going to go right out and say it: stuff your pants with tsetse flies and you will get laid.

Racial Breakdown: A full 96.4% of the respondents were Caucasian - the remaining 3.6% being the Hindu guy I had Econ class with last year. Conclusion? I get 99% of my cultural diversity at strip clubs.

Age Breakdown: The majority of respondents were in the 24-35 age demographic. However, the maturity level of the respondents seemed to rest squarely between ages 13-14.

Individual responses are highlighted below:

The first response I received was from Kyle C. of St. Louis and it immediately validated the entire poll: "Tsetse flies. They may have malaria, but fruits have AIDS". Ka-boom! For those scoring at home, that's tsetse flies 1, fruit flies 0, and Homophobes 1, Homosexuals 0.

Blake F. (Maryville, IL) must be recognized for his write-in vote of Drosophila Melanogaster, which proved that, despite one's knowledge of politics/entomology, one is still capable of messing up a simple poll question.

Brett R of South City: "Tse tse fly = malaria. Gotta go with the fruit. Cocktail." There's a slight (99.9%) chance that his was an inebriated response.

The "filthy and unwashed" demographic went 100% for fruit flies, as evidenced by Ian E.'s vote for "Fruit flies". Perhaps when something has been circling you for the past 14 years, you begin to develop an affection for it.

The biting tendencies of the respective flies seemed to divide people. Molly from Chicago responded: "I guess fruit, they don't bite. What is this for?", while Tanya B. of Troy, IL preferred tsetse flies because "they sound more hardcore than fruit flies". Indeed they are.

My brother chose tsetse flies because fruit flies "are stupid." When asked to elaborate, he stated that they "are used in too many experiments". I think that might have been my favorite answer.

My mother, when asked, exclaimed, "I hate fruit flies. I'll take the tsetses!" This is actually written in Latin on the Sauerwein family crest. Capiam tsetses! We Sauerweins love our tsetses. Previous family slogan: si vos venit ex Sauerwein exertus , vos diligo tsetses ("if you came from Sauerwein testes, you love the tsetses!")

Mike C. of Troy, IL, merely responded "Tsetse". Simple and elegant - much like the tsetse fly itself.