Coolinairy Art-ists

Why are people more impressed if you make a quiche than if you make up a really cool new sandwich that tastes way better than an ordinary quiche?

If old people ask you how people will listen to gangsta rap on the oldies station, tell them "you put fornication out on the airwaves, you stop it!"

Middle aged people should be reminded that if they hadn't rotted their teeth and minds on frosted flakes and LSD we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with.*

I want to start a blog called better frats and gardens,** and it'll have advice like "gents, after grooming remember to clean up your hairs in the bathroom, ladies want to see the lion, not the spot where the circus just left town."

I decided I'm sick of hyperlinks, but I like google, so these are my two favorite things on the interwebs by their esoteric names, "prisoner Christmas," and "play ewok village."

More work should trade off sitting up and standing down.

I think its a problem that we pay police officers so little yet give them guns, so the only college educated people with guns are then gun nuts (great) hunters (they're locked up in mahogany and glass!) and like detectives (too busy smoking cigs, fighting the bottle, or just gettin grittier, to go the range). That's why professional athletes should [thinks about previous sentence] football players [thinks about U Miami] forget it. There was a punchline about getting closer to real superheros but that's ruined now.

I'm too lazy to golf.

If I ever own a company I'm going to have all my paychecks come inside Christmas cards. Re-gifting your Christmas bonus to a loved one would be like Russian Roulette.

What's going to happen when google finally reveals that everyone is reading the same dirty jokes and capable of wildly inappropriate thought and expressions?

Superfluous is a bad word because the 'super' is a total misnomer.

Same goes for supermarket.

Why is it okay to be ugly-ist or height-ist?

I feel like there are a lot of bacony type experiences that my lake of butchering skills has really held me back from experiencing.***

I'm starting a website called cluttery girls that don't smell, or have cats, or smoke, or have unusual candles or artistic picture montages somehow implying a suicidal tendency.

I might just shorten it to CGTDSOHCOSOHUCOAPMSIAST.com.

Wine is a lie, we all still know you like to drink.

*I don't know what this means either, but it does have the desired effect of making them sheepishly accept your argument

**Like Maxim or Stuff, but more ironically self-aware, like no Axe body spray ads or spreads on Dane Cook, but TAG and Daniel Tosh, spread it on!

*** You know what I mean.