Self-Defense Course - Lesson #2

Greetings, students.

I hope that last week's lesson has been properly digested, and perhaps even utilized against an assailant.

This week we shall progress to a technique that, while less deadly than the sonic boom, was perhaps the most important contribution to Martial Arts in the 1980s.

Lesson #2 - The Crane Kick

The Crane Kick was an offensive karate move employed by Daniel LaRusso to defeat Johnny Lawrence in the championship match of the 1984 All Valley Karate Tournament in Los Angeles, California. At the time, this was a stunning upset; Lawrence was the defending champ and star student of the Cobra Kai dojo, while LaRusso was fighting on one leg and 2 weeks of unorthodox karate training. During the early stages of the match, several karate pundits went so far as to suggest that LaRusso would be carried out afterwards in a bodybag. However, the potency of the Crane Kick ultimately prevailed.

As LaRussa's sensei (and resident wily Asian) Mr. Miyagi stated, "If done right, no can defend".

If the Crane Kick is done incorrectly, however, one will obtain dubious results. During my formative years I observed several classmates who, moments before a playground fight, would announce to their opponent that they knew karate, assume the threatening stance of the crane kick, and subsequently get their face/dignity smashed repeatedly into the pavement.

That is not our fate, grasshoppers.

Through studious examination, I have broken down the key characteristics of the Crane Kick*.


The Stance: As you an see, this is an unusual stance. The left leg is bent at the knee and raised about 2 feet in the air. The right leg is used for support and bent slightly. The arms are fully extended at an upward angle. The wrists are bent and the palms hang limply facing downward.

The Technique: As the opponent approaches, the crane kick practitioner leaps off his right leg, feints a kick with his left leg, and delivers a straight right kick, usually to the sternum. As this kick lands, the practitioner is using his left leg to land.

Now, ostensibly there are many flaws to this stance.

First, the left leg is raised off the ground, which makes it utterly useless for balance. In addition, you've taken away all the momentum for a knee or leg strike. It would be impossible to generate any significant power from the left leg being in that position. Furthermore, this stance severly inhibits mobility. Any sort of movement can only be done by short awkward hops on the right foot. What would have happened to LaRusso if John Lawrence had the presence of mind to circle him and attack from an angle? Also, defensively, the right leg is susceptible to a punishing leg kick, and lack of balance makes a takedown or sweep seem inevitable. There seem to be no benefits to having your left leg in that position. You've essentially made yourself a one-legged fighter.

Secondly, the arms are raised to the sides of the body, in order to compensate for the lack of balance in the legs. This makes delivering a hand or elbow strike almost impossible. Further, you are leaving yourself wide-open in terms of defense. It would be impossible to defend against any sort of strike to the head or mid-section.

Let's review here:
1. the crane kick stance leaves you wide open defensively to a strike or a takedown
2. the crane kick stance makes striking impossible with the hands or the left leg. You basically have one thing left, and that's a straight right kick, which will be fairly predictible to an opponent, since it's your only possible move.
3. the crane kick stance limits your balance and mobility. It is almost impossible to move, defend a takedown, circle your opponent, or anything else.

However, these weakness are swept away by one salient fact which we have thus far overlooked: you are banging your opponent's ex-girlfriend.



This is the most vital aspect of the Crane Kick. One should never, ever, under any circumstances, attempt a Crane Kick without first engaging in coitus with the opponent's ex-girlfriend.

Consumed with jealous rage, your Aryan opponent, eschewing years of training and experience, will inexplicably rush at you with his guard down, allowing you to kick him directly in the chops. If the kick is precise (as LaRusso's was), your opponent's chops will instantly bust, rendering him incapable of negative emotion; all hate will dissolve from him. Despite the fact that he has devoted his previous 2 months of existence to making your life utterly miserable, he will lift you on his shoulders and offer sincere encouragement and respect.

As you can see, this move is very effective, altering your adversary's emotional disposition as well as severely damaging his chops.






*note: I lifted this description from a former Myspace blog I wrote a year ago under my pseudo profile "Darryl Vidal". Despite an impressing showing in the preliminary rounds (which included the defeat of several Cobra Kai), Vidal was dispatched handily in the semifinals by Johnny Lawrence - setting up, of course, LaRusso's heroics in the final.