RE: An Auditory Experiment

I need to put my two cents in.



[blogger's note: there are several posts which will be coming soon, and I'm sure that our eager readers have been waiting for; including an update on the wrestling event, running in the St. Paddy's Day race, and other casual observations. HOWEVER, with this experiment being on a deadline, it's priority has been increased and has even resulted in me preparing for it during work hours.]

Concerning the April 2008 experiment that Kyle and I are conducting on ourselves, where he and I listen to nothing but Johann Sebastian Bach and Metallica, respectively, I would like to let everyone know where I stand before this all gets going. As I keep a journal of next month here on this blog, this might be my only related post where I am still in my right mind.

First, let me say that I am not a Metallica fan. I do not own any of their music, nor do I know much about their catalogue of music, other than I thought "Enter Sandman" was pretty badass when I was in junior high.

Kyle has listened to Bach on purpose in the past 6 months. Advantage Kyle. Bach represents the pinnacle of culture, while Metallica [might] represent the ugly underbelly.

However, a co-worker let me in on a secret: Metallica has a record where they play with an orchestra (culture?) and a record of cover tunes. Advantage Brett.

Let me say, though, that I believe in this experiment. I am whole-heartedly on board to be listening to Metallica for an entire month, soaking in the thrash-rock melodies and the raspy, angry vocals. I will know every lyric to every song, and make sure to take a dose of Metallica several times daily. I also would like to become an expert on the band, and you'll be sure to find me on the Metallica wikipedia page on the morn of April 1st.

However, there are some pressing issues that are concerning me:

1. Metallica is probably the most un-downloadable band in the history of the world, due to their cat fight with Napster. I must acquire all of my music before 4/1/08, and that means I'll probably have to spend a bunch of cash on Metallica. This is exactly what they wanted when they went after Napster. To capitalize on scientific experiments such as this one.
   

2. Sauerwein, I propose a new rule: to those not familiar with our experiment, we are not allowed to explain why we have chosen that music to listen to. Example:
   
   

   Mad fly honey: "Are you listening to Bach/Metallica? Why?"
   Suggested Response: "Because Bach/Metallica RULES!!"

3. Imagine this: A young vixen meets me somewhere in town. As she gets in my vehicle and turns on the music, she hears "Four Horsemen" playing on the stereo (which was obviously playing when I had pulled up alone). As a matter of fact, the only music found in my vehicle are recordings by Metallica. Back at my place, we sip on Boone's Farm and hear "One" to set the mood. When the timing is right, I put on "Nothing Else Matters" and things start heating up. At the most passionate moment all I can hear is James Hetfield singing "Don't Tread on Me."
   Is this acceptable??

4. How far will this go? Can we end the experiment halfway through (similar to the Stanford Prison Experiment) in the case that I start wearing Metallica Merchandise? Buying Metallica gear? Tattoos? Bedsheets (see #3)? Who will be the judge?

5. I want to wake up every morning with my clock radio screaming at me "GIVE ME FUEL, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME THAT WHICH I DESIRE!" I also expect to see the biggest gains in my workouts during April 2008.

Reader, be wary! Although he didn't lie, Kyle misled you somewhat on what happens to a person who listens to nothing but Metallica. All of the symptoms he described in his hypothesis are indeed hazards associated with an endeavor like this one, but they are unlikely (except the loss of intelligence, that's pretty much real). The bulk of these symptoms, if they occur, do so as a side effect of one of the greatest miracles of Metallica:

I will become much more manly.

Look up "testosterone-fueled thrash metal" in the dictionary. If Metallica's insignia isn't the definition, then throw away your dictionary and buy a real one. Would you fight a Metallica fan? um...no way. Even if you could get him off of his Harley, the denim and beard is a powerful defense. not to mention that when Joe Metallica says he's going to "crack skulls," he's serious because he did it in the mosh pit at the Summer Sanitarium Tour in 1999.

It's making me want to arm-wrestle or hang sheet rock just thinking about it.

How many Bach fans have ever been in a mosh pit? Not to mention that there has never been a single case of a woman being so moved by J.S. Bach's tunes to show her mammary glands to onlookers. Sorry, Kyle, Bach has never stirred loins like good 'ole fashioned heavy metal guitar wankery; and Metallica is the king of it.

This is the alpha male dominance that allows only a Metallica Fan to be a heavy drug user while scalping hippies for the same reason.

Between the dates of April 1, 2008 and March 1, 2008, if anyone asks me what kind of music I listen to, or who my favorite band is, my reply will be simple:

"I'm a Metallica Man, through and through."

Watch out, Sauerwein! Even though your sweet little Bach has the ability to give you nice skin and significantly increase the size of your member (amazing!), I will become more masculine with every listen to "Master of Puppets." My primal urges will be invigorated, and accordingly my knowledge of battle tactics will improve with every spin of "Kill 'em All."

Will I be reduced to a brain-dead, Confederate Flag-waving idiot at the end of this? Maybe. But I'll be able to kill an deer from a moving ATV, build a motorcycle from scrap metal, and field dress roadkill.

This is a spiritual awakening, and Metallica is my Messiah.