Kyle;

You have been seriously misled, child. I pity you.

I do want to clear the air, first. This is not a competition. However, it is absurd to suggest that Bach implies manliness more than the collection of men who represent Metallica. I intend to prove that definitively here, using some of the research I have been collecting in preparation for our experiment.

First, let's start where we can both agree. The generally-agreed upon model of the culmination of Manly is Clint Eastwood's character "The Man with No Name."

I believe you can find in which composer the most similarities lie:

It is clearly the gentleman with the banjo.

(can J.S. Bach play banjo? no?? Harpsichord, you say? Do you think that's what Wild Bill wants to hear while he's playing poker, or what Doc Holiday listens to while enjoying bourbon? no sir.)

I agree with you, that the ability to reproduce is indeed a quality possessed by top specimens of men. But do not confuse ability with action. James Hetfield is an "UltraMan" and as such prefers to sow his seed in a "non-traditional" fashion: effectively coating the back, bosom, abdomen, face and hair region, but never the birth canal. An UltraMan rarely makes a deposit of something so powerful into the custody of a woman!

Being an UltraMan has some disadvantages, as the men in Metallica are almost too fertile for their own good! They constantly run the risk of impregnating anyone around them.

(This has actually happened twice. The most recent time was when Lars Ulrich was checking his Yahoo! 360 profile and a woman in Australia was checking hers at the same time and became spontaneously pregnant with twins! Several hours later the twins (Duke and Vlad) chewed their way out of their prison and killed each other in a 4 day battle for dominance. The other time was in 1987 where a busboy in McKinney, Texas had to be administered emergency contraceptive after cleaning off a table where James Hetfield had just eaten a raw 68 oz. Porterhouse.)

Bach, on the other hand, not only foolishly claimed all of the children (likely all drama students), but he told his women that he loved them! Oddly enough, all of his children, save 1.5, were of very dark complexion. Let's take a look at some of Bach's ladies:

Ulga Boravinski: Ulga met Johann at the annual Sauerkraut Festival. She thought his rendition of Chopsticks was "majestic." She thoroughly impressed Johann when she won the Hammer Toss and gave him the first place prize: a live goat at the peak of sexuality and tastiness. The first night they met they played the olde tyme version of "Heart and Soul" into the early morning hours.

Gretta Heinsburg: A young temptress who seduced Bach during one of his visits to Berlin. He was powerless to stop her advances, for in addition to her stunning beauty, for years she studied the sexual arts in China. An UltraMan would have resisted and stayed loyal to his bearded wife, however, Johann succumbed to the powers of women and quickly (birthed 5 months after meeting her) had a child with her with ambiguous ethnicity and genitalia.

It's not your fault, Kyle. You're just naive. It's cute, actually. I wish I could still be as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as you.

Moving on. let me fill you in on some Metallica trivia:

• A similar experiment to the one you describe was performed with Metallica songs. Laboratory rats were exposed to "Seek and Destroy" for 24 hours (Released on Kill'em All on July 25th, 1983. It is not a coincidence that this is also known as Black July, when thousands of Sri Lankans were killed in a massacre after the initial spin of Metallica's new cuts). These rats quickly grew mullets and had unconsentual sexual intercourse with WNBA players.
  


• Chuck Norris applied to be the bass player in Metallica but was turned away due to lack of manliness. Lars called him a "pansy." aw dang!



• Metallica has inspired or invented 409 different things, including the barbed wire tattoo, chest hair, the handlebar mustache, beef jerky and scowling.



• J.S. Bach has never won a Grammy. the Grammy score is 1-nil in favor of Metallica.


• Pyrotechnics. Where's Bach at? 'Cause Metallica is bringin' it.
  

Johann Sebastian Bach is a wonderful composer, but he's a dandy. Metallica is a superior representation of Man.

oh, and one more thing...