Half-Marathon April 6th, 2008

This past Sunday Kyle and I ran the St. Louis Half Marathon . We made a decision to do it a few months ago, and in the weeks preceding the race it was unclear whether or not we would actually do it.

Cigarettes were smoked. Binge drinking occurred. An arrangement was made between two parties that involved lots of double kick drum.

However, Sunday morning at 7a.m. we were found on the starting line in downtown Saint Louis with tens of thousands of runners, walkers, wheelchair-ers, and water hander-outers.

Now Kyle and I aren’t exactly couch potatoes. Each of us physically works out our bodies two or more times per week, and cross train using a myriad of physical activities to strengthen our muscular and cardiovascular systems. However, we also engage in some activities which may contribute to a deterioration of health (such as unprotected sex with our grizzled eight-fingered neighbor Hank).

Luckily we employed several key strategies to ensure that we would cross the finish line before being swept off of the street. The following are some of the more significant:

1. Drafting. This is a term that is more commonly used in cycling or auto racing. It refers to the method of a racer taking advantage of the slipstream created by the competitor in front of them. The point is to reduce the amount of drag and expend less energy. Of course, this phenomenon has little or no significance with runners, as the speeds are much slower and the vessels smaller. However, Kyle discovered a loophole.

   You see, even without being able to take advantage of anyone's slipstream, Kyle found an alternative, more powerful, natural force: lust. Kyle's "slipstream" was always behind one of the thousands of very physically fit young women participating in this race. Just as Metallica spurs my gonadotropins, so it was that Kyle's slipstream kept him running during the race. I found myself using this same method to great success.



2. Our second method was to make use of our Headpod. This is a term that as far as I know was invented by Kyle Connors. Pretty straightforward, it simply refers to the internal music player in your brain that you can use to listen to music without needing electricity or headphones. Since Kyle and I have no freedoms of music, we were limited to the Headpod. We discussed between miles 6 and 8 that our Headpods have adapted during our April Experiment to include great detail. I was explaining to him that I could tell where the second chair violinist dropped a note during Ray Charles' "Georgia on My Mind," and he excitedly told me that he could tell exactly where, in the introduction to "Can't you Hear Me Knockin'," Keith Richards let out an exhale of tobacco smoke. It's pretty incredible how detailed it is. The only drawback is that you have to have heard the song before.


3. The runner's high. More on this later...

If you’re anything like me, in the past you have probably observed runners casually and thought: I can’t believe they’re doing that. Why would someone punish themselves so? I think I would just get bored after running for so long, there's more fun ways to be in shape, etc.…

Well, for those of you who aren’t runners, it does two things for you: the first is an overwhelming sense of accomplishment like beating level 20 in Tetris or successfully cheating on your taxes (NOT condoned by CB&B)…

The second is the runner's high. And it’s for real. With my background in sociology, I immediately recognized the danger of gathering tens of thousands of Endorphin junkies in one place. Sure enough, they showed all of the signs of addicts: unquenchable thirst, wearing silly clothes, and running in circles. By the time I had figured it out, I was powerless to stop them because I had become one of them. That is some good shit!! Finally I know why there were thousands of people running... they’re all addicts! And I don’t blame them. I’ve never done any hardcore drugs, but that’s the most high I’ve ever felt. I was astonished. And I was really fucked up.

Soon I learned to harness this high. When I begun to run low on Endorphins, I listened to Metallica to boost my adrenaline. Adrenaline led to more running, which led to more bein' high. Awesome. That's what got me through the race. It was a great day for the gentlemen of 3973 Wyoming, Metallica, and the Betty Ford Clinic.