The Dodger’s opening day victory did more than temporarily escalate them to the top of the National West standings. It brought a smile to manager Joe Torre’s face, thus ending a heated 8 year frown-off between Torre and CNN anchor Wolf Blizter.
The frown-off started immediately after the Yankees won their last championship. Torre was approached by Blitzer, who was just “looking for something to do.” “Joe is a close friend, and I thought this was the one thing I could beat him at.”
Torre turned out to be much stiffer competition than expected. “I knew Joe had a thankless, unforgiving boss, but I thought he would smile past that. I thought they'd win a championship.” Joe looked deep inside himself to find the will to keep frowning. Specially, he looked to his prostate, which developed cancer in 2001. Torre laments, “Without the cancer, there’s no way I could have held on as long as I did. It was truly a blessing in disguise.”
Heading into the competition, Blitzer had an unquestionable advantage, getting to report on the Iraq war and racial angst on a daily basis. “Those two were the pillars of my victory. I’m only where I am today because I stood on their broad, hate-filled shoulders.”
But Blitzer admits having used tweezers to pinch himself during human interest stories. “Every time there was a story about a zoo, it was painful. Literally, I was cutting myself. It was disgusting, there was blood everywhere.”
But the toughest challenge came in resisting the sexual advances of reporter Zaan Verjee. “Luckily, she preferred S&M, so I was able to stay focused on the competition, as well as her bodacious rack.”
Asked when he would next smile, Blitzer responded, “I don’t know. The threat level is currently orange. When it goes down to green, we can talk.” While Blitzer admitted that there was a more human side to “the Wolf,” he asserted that his no nonsense demeanor was a critical part of his job. “When I’m reporting about a plane crash, the people watching me at the airport need to know that I am serious: the crash was horrific, lives were lost, and their lives are in danger. That’s the message that needs to be conveyed.”
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